Friday, March 13, 2015

I'm a pimpy what?

Shopping with the Kids...

I got a new pair of shorts this week; and not a pair that I would typically buy.

But Toby, my fashion conscious fifteen year old, persuaded, no, more like goaded me into buying something out of my price range/comfort zone.

During my last shopping trip I reached for a plain pair of black Nike shorts and the word "BOOORING!!!!" exploded in my ears, rattling my brain.  I jumped back and turn around to see Toby shaking his head in disapproval and Tera laughing at, well, I don't know why she was laughing.  It's not like she ever really needs a reason to laugh.

"What are you talking about?"  I asked.

"Those shorts are boring." Toby said, "No color, no strips, just.....blah."

"Yeah, and I can get two of these for the price of one of the shorts that you would buy."



I put the shorts back on the rack and the kids and I proceed to play a game I like to think of as the clothing equivalent of operation.  Every time I touched something that was deemed unacceptable by my children I would get zapped with "BOOORING!!!!"

And it wasn't a brand loyal thing either....Just about everything I touched --- Adidas, Nike, Under Armor, Reebok --- all got the boring treatment.  The only ones that didn't receive boring rating were hanging on racks placed upon a wall; sporting bright colors and a price tag that made me do a double take.

Toby pulls a pair of Adidas off the wall display.  "You should get these. They are awesome."

"Dude," I said as my bugged out eyes, "I could buy a new pair of jeans for what those shorts cost.  That's too much money for too little material."

This is where adolescent logic kicks in.

"But it's awesome." he said.  Which in the mind of a fifteen year old is an irrefutable point.

"Man, the letters on the side of those shorts are huge," I said, "I don't want to be a walking billboard.  Put 'em back."

"Dude," Toby said, visibly disappointed as he put them back on the wall.

But he didn't give up.  He immediately grabbed another pair of Adidas shorts.

"Here, try this." he said.

They were a black pair of Adidas with three stripes ---- but only on one leg.

"Where are the stripes for the other leg?" I asked.

"That's the way that they are supposed to be," Toby said.

"It doesn't look right," I said, "It makes it look off balance.....I'll have one leg that looks skinny and the other will look fat."

"Dude, what the hell is the matter with you?"

I put the shorts back on the wall and our game of clothing operation continued.   "BOOORING!!!!"

By this point in our little shopping adventure Tera's "BOOORING" along with her hyena like laughing got so loud  that everyone in the store could hear her.  I started to think that maybe I should come back some other time to shop.......Preferably BY MYSELF!

"Hey, dad." said Toby


"Close your eyes."

"What for?"

"Just close them."

"Dude, whatever."  I closed my eyes and planned out my next move should I become the victim of adolescent humor.....I genuinely feared getting nut tapped.

My hat disappeared off the top of my head and was replaced by a new, bright, fluorescent orange hat that said "Elite" across the front.  On top of being to small the bill wasn't bent, which made the hat look even worse as it sat atop my head.

"This looks stupid," I said, "Give me my hat back."

"Hold on, let me take a picture."

After Toby took the picture he sent it to his mother.....Her response?


"Alright, that's it." I said, "Maybe I'll come back later when I don't have you two to badger me."

"Then you'll look like a boring old man." said Toby.  Little sister finds this comment hysterically amusing.

Boring old man I may be.....But I don't want to look like an old man trying to be a kid either; which I think is infinitely worse.

I then saw a pair of black Nike Elite shorts on the wall.  The "Elite" on the side of the shorts was only big as opposed to obscenely huge like the letters on the Adidas shorts.  Plus, these Elite's were black and white.  No loud colors, no camo.....Hmmmm.  Maybe.

I reach for the shorts and Tera yells, "BOOORING!!!!".......Which I'm sure caused the all the windows in the department store to rattle.

Toby quickly jumped in, "NO, Tera, those are good."



"Oh...Okay." said Tera quietly....Then said "NOT BOOORING!!!"

Christ, I need a beer.

"So these are acceptable," I ask

Toby's response was that I would look pimpy swag....Or was it swagging pimp?  Pimping Swaggy?

Shit, I don't know....They were acceptable.

"Okay.  I need to try these on."

"You don't need to try them on.  Just get them." Toby encouraged as he was practically pushing me to the check out counter.

Against my better judgement I gave in and bought a pair of shorts that were twice the price of what I would normally buy.  On each shoulder stood a small Dave Ramsey.  The devil Dave Ramsey prodded me with his pitchfork...."DO IT....Be a free spirit!!!"

The angel Dave Ramsey was down on his knees and pleading with me.  "Tom, remember your budget!!!"

Toby, and the evil Dave Ramsey, won out.....I bought the shorts and instantly felt guilty for doing so....I'm going to financial hell for sure.

But when I got the shorts home and tried them on I had to admit that I really liked them.  They could have been a bit shorter, but I liked them.

"What do you mean shorter?" Toby asked.

"I would like the world to know that I have knees."

"That's not the style."

Yeah?  Tell that to the guys who wear Dockers shorts.  (Personally, the only pair of Dockers shorts that I ever owned Karla bought on sale.  I wore them once......I hated them,)

Anyway.....Despite the fact that my new shorts were only about six inches away from being male capris I have to say that I liked them -- and I didn't look like an old man trying to blend in with the younger generation.

Still.....For what I paid.  It's probably a good thing that Karla, Queen sale rack, (that's actually a compliment) didn't come to shop with me and the minions.  We may have had to call an ambulance.

I wonder if those Elites come in maroon and white?