Thursday, August 28, 2014

Scatterbrain....

It is now 1:35pm --- and I have no idea what I'm going to write about.

So here is what I'm going to do....I'm going to write about whatever pops into my head until I feel I have enough material that I can quit for the day.  In the end, this little exercise may give you some idea as to how my brain operates; and if you figure it out then please let me know.....I have not a clue.

So.....Here we go.

Exercise...

It's been a while since I have talked about exercising and, since then, my perspective on being healthy has changed somewhat.

I am not afraid to admit that I am a slightly overprotective dad when it comes to my daughter.....(the shotgun is in the gun locker and the overalls are in storage....I'm still working on the "Reasons I'm a good choice to date your daughter" application)

One of the things we talk about constantly is body image and being comfortable with who you are.  I have shown Tera the idiocy that is photoshop and gone over, ad nauseam, the totally unreasonable expectations of what a supposedly beautiful body should look like.

Then one day it hit me.....Have I been victim to the same unrealistic expectations?  Are those washboard abs and straight pearly white teeth that I see on the cover of my Men's Fitness magazine just another doctored photograph?

For years I have been chasing the ever elusive six pack abs and have gotten as close as four.  The problem with getting to the flat stomach is, from a dietary standpoint, you pretty much have to give up on life.  No pizza, no beer, nothing fried ---- no thick, juicy cheeseburger......No McDonalds.....(Yes, I'm a grown man that loves McDonalds.)

Have I been busting my ass to get my flat stomach while someone else on the cover of a glossy magazine is getting their stomach photoshopped?  Cripes, I've been suckered.

So, needless to say, while the washboard abs is still a goal it has dropped quite a ways down on the priority list.  At 43, I will just settle for getting through a workout without hurting myself.

It's probably a good thing that my perspective has changed.  I was beginning to correlate the journey to six pack abs with the search for the holy grail; only the bravest and truest knight has what it takes to find the grail.  Well, this squire will keep trying -- just not as hard.

The new workouts start next week.....Until then, I think I'll have a bowl of ice cream.  Probably a few beers this weekend.

You know what?  To steal a good friends phrase....I actually do have a six pack....It's just hidden under a bag of chips.

Cheerleader....

On the walk home from school Tera told me that her teacher handed out fliers for jr. cheerleaders.

Tera's response to her teacher?  "Can I go ahead and recycle this?"

I'm not at all surprised; Tera doesn't strike me as a cheerleader.  Add some goth clothing and heavy metal music and she might reconsider.....But I doubt it.

Besides, I can't prove it but I'm fairly certain that cheerleaders don't rip off angry dinosaur, paint peeling farts.

Good choice kid......Let's just stick with softball.

Animal Cage.....

On the way home from the store I saw a rather large animal cage with a for sale sign on it.  I thought to myself, "You know, it probably wouldn't be a good PR move for a daycare to use that as a form of timeout."

I have no idea why I think the way I do.  It's not like I would ever do that to a kid.

Well.....I guess it depends on the kid.  There are some horrible ones out there.

NO.....NO, NO, NO.....

Maybe.

Anyway.....

Good News....
In total frustration I went out and found this site:

http://www.goodnewsnetwork.org/

The news locally and from around the world has been nothing short of horrible.....I don't need to remind you and I wouldn't do it anyway.

Normally, after I have had my fill of childish negativity, I will just tune out and forget that the world beyond my front door exists.  This is easy to do when slightly introverted.

But I decided to go a different route this time......I went to google thinking that surely there is something positive about this rotten festering cesspool we call home....isn't there?

Praise the Lord (and google) there is.  If you find yourself dejected and feel as if the fate of the world rests in the hands of a few greasy palmed megalomaniacs then, by all means, check out this site.  You'll walk away feeling a little bit better about life in general.

The Ice Bucket Challenge......
Yes....I did it.  I won't waste too much time on this subject --- I promise.

For every good idea out there there is someone walking about who just can't wait to poop all over it.

Yes....I get that most of the money raised will not go to research.  But it's better than "0", isn't it?"

Yes....I get that some people are just dumping cold water on themselves which is not the same as the ice bucket....Still, I salute them for doing their part.

Why is it when a group of people want to sing "Ode to Joy" someone just has to break out in "Paint it Black?"

You people and your negative attitudes....Bunch of turd fondling shit weasels.....(I'm sorry, that's what I'm thinking....I thought about editing it out.....But I promised to give you some insight on my warped brain.)

HOWEVER........

Matt Damon made an excellent point when he did his ice bucket challenge with water taken out of his toilet.  He praised the movement but then went on to talk about how the water out of his toilet was in fact cleaner than the drinking water in most poor countries.

He talked about children dying from drinking bad water.......that hit home...

When it comes to kids, it doesn't take much to make me feel guilty.  Had I known about the unfortunate events happening in other parts of the world; the bad drinking water, I probably would not have done the ice bucket challenge and wasted a valuable resource that could have been put to better use.  I would have most likely just made my donation and called it good.

I would not have followed suit and used toilet water.  I have a teenage son at home and nothing good happens when he uses the toilet.....That's just gross.  (and a sure sign that I have it good....Not my son blowing up the toilet.  The fact that I have clean water.)

Damn you.....and bless you, Matt Damon.  You made a fine point.

YES!!! My life has meaning, dammit!!!

Every once in a while I will still run into that one individual that thinks just a little bit less of me because I am a stay at home dad.....and it is ALWAYS a man.

When I told this individual that I was a stay at home dad the look on his face said it all --

"Sooo....Your'e telling me that you have a vagina?"

Yeah, whatever buddy, bite me.

But I do have to admit that there are occasions where I do feel like I'm not quite the contributing member of society that I should be.  Like this week for instance.

Karla started her first class, something about production and inventory management, creating the first rungs that will hopefully help her climb that corporate ladder.

Meanwhile, I'm at home matching and folding socks....Woo hoo!!!!

Usually I get over it fairly quick.  The only time it really grates on me is when I have to attend that dreaded social outing involving interaction with strangers.  You can just see the eyes glaze over that very instant you tell them that you are a stay at home dad.

"Sooooo.....You're telling me that you're lazy and unmotivated.  Tsk, tsk.....You're wife could have done so much better."

Sometimes I have to resist the temptation to make up a bunch of B.S.......

"Yes, I'm a middle aged stripper that specializes in nursing home parties....Don't let those little old ladies fool you....They aren't THAT sweet."

It....just....gets.....frustrating......sometimes.

Still, I wouldn't trade what I have for anything in the world.  I love being around my kids ---- so I can deal with a little frustration.....



Ok...It is now 2:38.  I believe a little over an hour is all the glimpse you need of my warped brain.....I'm outta here.  See you next week.

Until then I believe I will watch a few good movies, play with my kids, read happy stories and just leave the world behind.  Looking back, this blog seems a tad bit grumpy......

Stay away world!!! I'm off to my happy place.

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Back to school...

School has begun....

Wow....The house is so --- quiet.

"I guess it's just you and me now for a while, right ol' dog?"

Mario, my ewok looking shi tzu, just stares back at me, looking clueless.  He's a great dog but I don't think he's all there....The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead.

(Case is point:  After laying down a new patio Mario freaked out and wouldn't go outside.  He was literally afraid to step onto the patio and I literally had to kick him (not hard...I'm not cruel) out of the house.  He scurried across the patio only slowing down when his paws touched grass.  He did his business and then came back only to stop at the edge of the patio.....Mario stared at me with that look that said, "Nay, I dare not set paw upon this foul, gray beast.".  I stood at the door not five feet away and kept encouraging him to come in.  The idiot shook and refuse to step any closer to the door. Disgusted, yet mildly amused,  I finally had Toby pick him up and carry him into the house.  It took a few days before the patio gained Mario's trust.)

"Yeah, never mind."

The house is also cleaner than it has been in a while.  I have to admit that over the summer I had fun just hanging out and doing a lot of horsing around with my minions, at the expense of the house.  Don't get me wrong, the laundry and the dishes were caught up and we were never short on food. But the house had this cluttered appearance that I just couldn't get rid of.  I would ride the kids constantly about picking up after themselves but it never seemed to help.  I will have to do a better job of combating this next summer.

The Freshman...


Anyway.....Toby is now a freshman this year.  Holy moly, where did the time go?  It didn't seem that long ago that I was taking him on his first fishing trip, his first baseball practice, his first football game.

A friend of mine once told me after the birth of my first child, "Enjoy every minute of it.....It goes by fast."

I simply had no idea how true that statement would turn out to be.  It seems as if my life has been put on fast forward.

Lately, I've been working with him on his place kicking.  We have a long way to go but, considering the only real knowledge of kicking field goals has come from a bunch of youtube videos, I'd say we are doing alright.  I will have to look for a camp to send him too after the season is over.

Regardless of how this turns out, I'm enjoying the time I get to spend with him.  I know that come next February, when he can start driving to school, and when he has expanded his social network, he will become a very busy young man and dad will have to find other ways to spend his time.  It's kind of sad, really.  But such is the way of life.

Perhaps I should take that time to ramp up my exercise.  Toby is beginning to catch, and it won't be long, before he passes me.  He's isn't near as strong as I am but he is starting to move a lot faster than he used to.  We worked on pass routes, where he looked really smooth.  Then he smiled, took the ball from me and said, "You're turn."

I hadn't run that way in ages.....and I felt like a busted up old jalopy, minus shocks, going twenty five mph down the highway on just three wheels. I was fairly certain that I was going to leave my knees on the field somewhere....or maybe a few vertebrae. I will have to add sprints to my jogging this fall.

But, I'm kind of veering off track here.  Back to school.

I went to a school meeting with Toby --- to pick up his iPad.  Now how freaking cool is that?  All his assignments, communication with this teachers, notifications of upcoming events, on one small iPad.  I sat in my chair in the auditorium insanely jealous that Toby gets a cool new toy for school.

Hell, when I went to school the eight inch floppy disk was still in existence.  I'm betting Toby doesn't even know what that is......Excuse me....I think my hip just went out.

I tried not to laugh when the presenter began the walkthrough to configure the iPad and I saw Toby just sitting there.  Minus a couple of passwords that he needed -- he had already set it up.  That's my boy.

Toby is just like Karla in that he always has a plan in mind; a set of goals that he is striving to reach.  Since the fifth grade he has talked about how he wants to be a nuclear engineer (inspired by his uncle) and he has worked hard at maintaining his grades.

He is driven....Just like his mother.

It's almost sickening to listen to a conversation between Karla and Toby as they discuss school, GPA, and scholarships.  Then the conversation morphs into his resume (yeah, already working on that), his checking and savings accounts, the power of compound interest, designing and adhering to a budget.

And the crazy thing is that they are both ENJOYING the conversation.  I don't even bother getting involved.

Whenever he is ready to talk about his new Nike's or the stereo system he is thinking about putting into his car I will be ready.

Toby is also looking forward to taking an industrial arts class (that's shop for you old salts like me).

Once again, due to the inspiration of his uncle, Toby is looking to get into welding, which I think is great because it gives him a blue collar skill to go along with his white collar aspirations.

Which leads me to wonder why some school have chosen to do away with shop.  I mean, isn't that kind of taking a kid's eggs and putting them all in one basket?

Let's face it, not every kid wants to go to college.  For every doctor and lawyer out there, you will need a plumber, welder, mechanic, etc. etc. etc........

Even if these kids don't end up using what they learned to earn a living, just knowing the basics of a skill may encourage them to go on and approach the world with a more do it yourself attitude; which can save them a lot of money in the long run.

For example, my brother Tim, who is a self taught mechanic, replaced a hub assembly on my car this week.  The garage I took it to wanted to charge me $345 dollars to replace it.  I bought the part for $92 and gave it to Tim who then swapped it out with the old part in less then forty five minutes. Tim's know how saved me $253 -- which I will take part of and hook him up with something nice.

Tim, "A simple thank you is all I need."

Bullshit...I owe you a solid....and I will gladly pay up.

The point is, this is the kind of knowledgable independence that the industrial arts can provide...a means to help oneself make life just a little less expensive. If I would have actually payed attention in shop instead of making throwing stars out of sheet metal and pulling all of the pins out of the fire extinguishers, I probably could have learned a skill that I would be applying today....But, I was just stupid like that.

I hope Toby's school never ditches their industrial arts program.


I'm sorry, what were you saying???

I also went to a meeting for Tera's grade school.  I have to admit that my motivation for going was the drawing for a new flat screen TV....(I, er, I mean, Tera didn't win....dammit)

But the meeting in her classroom served as a great reminder of how much of a space cadet I was in school.  As a student I wasn't bottom of the pile, but I wasn't anywhere close to the top either.

Tera's teacher hands me some paper work to fill out and begins to discuss her teaching style and a typical day in the class......At least that's what I think she was doing.

As soon as I got the paperwork I got so fixated on filling it out that the teacher became little more than background noise.

"Wuh, wah-wah, wuh, wah, wah, wwwaaaaahh.......

And therein laid my problem with school.....I was not what you would call a multi tasker.  Well, maybe I would have been if I didn't get so easily distracted.  I have a tendency to get so focused on one thing that everything around me just ceases to exist.

My other problem with school was that I just flat out could not focus, my attention span was so short.  I can't tell you how many times I had been busted in school for daydreaming.  I could be looking right at somebody and not hear a single word they say because I have other, far more important, matters rolling around inside my head.  Things like -- it's monster week on channel five.  As soon as the bell rings at three I'm going to have to run all the way home so I don't miss the beginning of the movie.  I hope it's the movie with Mecha Godzilla in it.  Or maybe Ghidorah...Yeah, that would be cool.   I wonder if there are any brownies left?  Tim better not have eaten them all, the little creep.

"TOMMY!!!!"

snort......."what?"

I look up from the paperwork that I had just finished and realized that everyone else in the room was going through an itinerary......the one sitting unopened next to me.....Shit.

How long was I out?  I look up at the clock...Wow. Really? I've been here THAT long?

It took me a while to finish the paperwork because I had to make sure that it was actually legible. Normally, my hand writing is nothing less than horrible.  It's bad enough that I will actually use a pencil over a pen because, for some reason, my hand writing goes from horrible to atrocious with the addition of ink.

Teacher: "So does anyone have any questions?"

Wow, I totally missed her entire speech........Some things never change.  At least there isn't a test this time.

When I was writing I did manage to catch the words "state assessment, snacks, and recess".  The rest?  Sorry, I'm afraid I can't help you.  I honestly tried to look up occasionally and at least appear to know what was going on.....I'm not convinced that it actually worked.....Oh well.

Here's hoping that both kids end up, academically, taking after their mother.







Thursday, August 14, 2014

Native Tongue....

Native Tongue...

One of the big regrets of my childhood was that I didn't learn to speak Tagalog  -- my mother's language, part of my heritage.

But I grew up in a household that was proudly American, and in America, we speak English, dammit.....

Not that I blame my dad at all.  It's bad enough knowing that your  rebellious teenage boys are going to talk shit on you behind your back.  Why give them the ability to do it while you are sitting in the same room with them?  Plus, I don't think dad really wanted to learn a second language anyway.

Still, even though it bothers me to not have a grasp on the language.  I have just never made the time to learn Tagalog.  I have no one to blame but myself.

Of course, I would just learn it well enough to annoy the people who think anything other than English is an affront to being a true American.

"This is 'Merica, boy....If you can't speak English then why don't you git yer ass back to that island you came from, huh?"

Sigh.....some people just have a gift for making the world a darker, sadder place.  I guess variety is not the spice of life according to some.  But anyway......

Mom did, at one point, attempt to teach us Tagalog.  And my brother Tim succeeded in ending our foreign language lesson, permanently, in a little under five minutes.

The word was dog......In Tagalog it's ASO --- pronounced AH-SO.

But Tim, being the warped mind that he is, began laughing hysterically and yelling ASS-SO.....

Tim somehow turned AH-SO into Asshole......That's just great.

The more Tim laughed (which became practically a high pitched scream at this point) the more pissed Mom got.

Tim wouldn't stop laughing and Mom finally blew a gasket and said that we were through.  It's English from here on out boys.  Enjoy wallowing in your ignorance.

And so, to this very day, the only word I know in Tagalog is ASO.......(Pronounced AH-SO)

The years passed and I had essentially given up the idea of learning my native tongue which, oddly, made me feel as if I was betraying my Filipino brethren. Whenever I hear my mom talking to her friends, I cant help but feel a little guilty that I put absolutely no effort into trying to be at least a little bit Filipino (and, no, eating the food doesn't count).

Then, last week at a restaurant Toby said something to his grandmother in Tagalog.  I have no idea what he said but Mom was so filled with pride that she couldn't help but smile.  Apparently Toby and his cousin Allen had been practicing and speaking to each other in Tagalog.  Nothing major, just a few words here and there. (And I'm quite certain they are saying things they shouldn't be in some instances)

It's then that Toby expressed a desire to learn his grandma's language.  It was a strange feeling that I got.  I felt really proud of Toby and totally pissed at myself......

"You schmuck....why didn't you learn?"

Dad failed ya, son......But no more.

I immediately began to make plans to find Tagalog on Rosetta Stone so that I could capitalize on Toby and now Tera's desire to learn......

And then that awful, awful word came up.....OH GOD....

Tera asked what the word for dog was and as soon as she heard it I knew all hell was about to break loose.

The goofy grin said it all......The Asshole had returned........God help me.

Tera said something I couldn't hear and began to laugh......That was my cue.

I motioned to Karla, Mom, and sister-in-law Billie.

"OK, why don't I take the kids outside while you ladies figure out the bill.  C'mon, chuckle heads, let's go."

Once outside, Tera went bonkers.  As I watched her laying on the ground laughing, I couldn't help but notice how similar this looked to Tim when he lost it.

"Tera, get off the ground."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Tera:  "I have an ASS-SO....I used to have two but one got hit by a car.."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

Me:  "Tera, it's pronounced AH-SO."

Tera:  "My cousin has a little ASS-SO,"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

Me:  "Tera, not so loud.  People don't know what you're saying."

And then, out of nowhere, someone just couldn't resist getting in on the act.

Toby:  "Would you like to see a picture of my ASS-SO?"

Me: "ALRIGHT THAT'S ENOUGH!!!"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Surprisingly, Mom took the lunacy really well this time.  Perhaps it was the thought that she had two grandsons that seriously wanted to learn the native tongue that off set the laughing hyena.

She even gave Tera a big hug, called her Sweetie, and thanked her for coming to lunch.

Hmm...Mom sure has mellowed over the years.

As we all said our goodbyes and piled into our vehicles to drive away, Tera was still laughing.  Really, it's not that damn funny....Well, then again, to Tim it was.

Then.....I slipped.

I have no idea why it happened....It just happened.....I didn't mean to do it......I just did.  I started to sing......

"How much is that ASS-SO in the window?"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Sigh....God help me.....







Thursday, August 7, 2014

A Day on Mass St.....

Mass St. Soda

The kids and I have spent the last week before school starts goofing off.  The house has fallen apart in the process but I'm perfectly okay with that.  I'll have plenty of time to whip it back into shape when the kids grab their backpacks and head back to the halls of knowledge.

One place we visited this week was Mass St. Soda.  The best way to describe this place?  It's like walking into a liquor store, except that all the booze has been replaced by soda....Lots and lots of soda.....Copious amount of soda.

The first time I visited this place there were so many drinking options that, due to sensory overload, I just walked around in circles completely indecisive.

After a while I got the sense that everyone was waiting on me, and so, settled for a butterscotch cream soda......I did not regret it.

This time around I thought about getting a vanilla cream soda when Tera shoved a bottle in my face, just inches away from my nose.

"YOU GOTTA TRY THIS!!!!!"

Having the bottle so close to my eyes did remind me that I really need to talk to my eye doctor about bi focals.....Up close the words are just one giant blur.  I lean back so I can read.

(on a side note:  THAT SUCKS.  I am actually better off propping my glasses on top of my head so that I can read up close or watch Netflix on my phone.  Pfft.....whatever....  Just.....aggravating...)

"Hmm....Chocolate Covered Maple Smoke Bacon Soda.......Breakfast in a bottle....Really Tera?"

Tera:  "Yeah, doesn't that look awesome?"

"Uh, I dunno.....Are you gonna try it?"

Tera: "No, it's for you."

Considering that she just recently tried to give me a green apple jalapeƱo soda, this chocolate covered bacon mess appeared to be the better of the two options.

"Whatever, I'll try it."

Tera:  "HOORAY!!!"

NO......Not hooray....I offered Toby the first sip and, God love him, he tried to keep a straight face but the watering eyes and slight pucker gave him away.

Toby:  "It's not bad."

Yeah, you're so full of shit.

I took my first swig and was pleasantly surprised to find that it was actually tolerable. The after taste was a bit strong, but not bad ---- as long as it was cold.

I later discovered that when the soda starts to warm a bit it's ass-like qualities began to make itself known.  Every drink got a little tougher to swallow. The aftertaste got stronger and hung around longer. An inadvertent belch produce an insufferable dose of second hand soda which I was forced to gag down as I was in public and on a busy street.....Had that happened a lonely stretch of dirt road I would have left behind a giant, mucous filled splat mark and then went off to find some wild onions to chew on.  Anything is better than this crap. proof that not all things bacon is good.

Tera:  "Dad, hurry up and finish.  I want to keep the bottle."

Ugh....God....

Next time, Tera, I choose the soda.

The Street Performer

As a guitar player he wasn't all that bad.  He wasn't over the top spectacular, but not bad.

His voice could use a little work though.  It was loud and resonating but, at times, noticeably off key. Still, he did have a better singing voice than the one I possess.  My singing talents are for the shower only.  No one else needs to be put through that form of vocal hell.

I really had no intention of giving him any money but Tera insisted.

"We have to give him something." she prodded.

"Okay, here." I reach into my pocket and pull out all my loose change, "Give him this."

"What?"

I could see it in Tera's eyes; she's just like me in that she is not comfortable interacting with people she doesn't know.  Even if it is just to give a street performer change.

"WASTING AWAY AGAIN IN MARIJAUNAVILLE!!"

Nice change in lyrics there, buddy.

Tera shifted uncomfortably and I did my best to reassure her.

"Look, kid, all you have to do is give him the change and walk away.  You don't have to say a thing to him,  OK?"

Tera nodded in agreement but I could tell she still wasn't comfortable with the situation.

Knowing that I don't want my daughter to be socially awkward like her old man, I make Tera take my loose change and send her forward.

Tera, all too aware that she was not getting out of this, put her head down, quickly walking passed the street performer and gave up the spare change without breaking stride.  She didn't slow down her pace until she was well past him and out of the danger zone.

"Hey, pumpkin."

"Yes."

"Your'e supposed to drop the change in the guitar case, not chuck it at the musician."

"Oh, sorry."

Sigh...."That's alright, kid.  We will do better next time."

Although Tera must not have peppered him too bad.  He did say thanks and kept on playing. In retrospect,  it is probably a good thing he was wearing sun glasses or it's possible that things may have turned out differently.



Chocolate Covered Bacon Soda and one street performer blasted with change aside, it was not a bad day.....Not a bad day at all.

You know, maybe we will go back again tomorrow.  I'd like to go back to Mass St. Soda and pick something out that actually tastes good....Anything fruity or maybe a root beer.....Just no bacon.....Ever....Again...