Before:
I knew it wouldn't be long before Karla started bringing up home improvement projects for the new stay at home dad. I just figured she would at least wait until after my last day of full time employment.
The project on this day (Saturday, July 20) was lining rock around the house and using paving stones to give it a border. My son, Toby, got put to work digging out a small trench for the paving stones to sit in. Karla and Joe, my father in law, measured from the edge of the house and set the stone.
Linda, my mother in law, took the wheel barrow and dumped rock where ever it was needed.
That left me shoveling rock into the wheel barrow; a task perfectly suited for my skill set.
I believe I have taken handy man incompetence to a whole new level, something that, although I'm not terribly proud of it, I have made little effort to correct. Every home improvement project that came up the first words out of my mouth were, "Let's just pay someone who knows what their doing."
And that is when I hear the six words that make me absolutely cringe every time Karla says them. My wife, Miss "Shoot First and Ask Questions Later" asks, "How hard can it actually be?"
Well, let's go over this, shall we?
Fence building project. I was given the task of digging holes for the fence our neighbors and I chipped in on. I was told to set a post every eight feet. Ok, simple enough ---- unless you have the old fashioned manual post hole digger. Then it absolutely sucks.
It's a warm day and I'm sweating profusely as I slowly grind out one hole after another with a tool that should be sitting in an antique shop. My shoulders and back are killing me as I work and wonder how the pioneers in the days of old got anything done with the shit tools they had to work with.
I got three holes dug by the time Karla, sweat free and smelling fresh as a daisy, comes home during her lunch break to see how I'm doing.
"How goes it?" she asks with a cheery smile that, at that point, was making me sick.
"This sucks," I snap, "But I got three holes dug. If I'm lucky I'll have it all done tonight."
"Ok" she says, "Did you center the posts?"
"What? What does that mean?"
"These are pre built panels," Karla explains as she points to the fence panels, "You're post needs to be every eight foot on center so that you can screw two panels onto it."
It all went down hill from there. I was no where near center and was forced to start over. Making things worse, I knew nothing about building fence. I only found out later about setting end posts, and setting a straight line to mark exactly where I needed to put every post.
Thus, Karla went back to work, leaving only a dumb ass with a tape measurer that he barely knew how to read, to continue this ill fated project. Long story short Dave, my brother in law, had to help me finish it. He is very competent and did the best he could but, thanks to me, it looked horrible Well, on our side of the fence it did. Thank God the neighbors only saw the front side of the fence and not the posts holding it up. They were pleased.
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Gutters. That wasn't the only project that Dave had to come in and fix. I spent a good part of the day hanging new guttering on the house when Dave came over.
I was standing in the yard and admiring my work. I thought things went well that day.
"Did you slope the gutters?' Dave asked.
"Slope? What does that mean?"
"You want your gutters to slope at a downward angle towards the downspout. That way rain doesn't just sit in your gutter."
"Crap."
Dave fixed it.
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There's more, but I think you get the idea. However, I am better than I used to be. When Karla and I got married I didn't even know what some of the tools were called. One day my father in law asked me to hand him a Phillips. I was dumbfounded.
"Um, I would if I knew what you were talking about."
Joe points to the tool box, "The screwdriver."
"Oh, ok. This one?"
"No, that's a flat head. The one next to it is a Phillips."
"Oh. Well, here you go."
"Thank you."
"Sure......Glad I could help."
So now you know why I'm shoveling rock. The work is hard, but the concept is easy. As I'm shoveling I smirk at my own ineptitude and proceed to make fun of myself.
"UUUHHH....(shovel). I'm... not... smart. UUUHH...(shovel). But I can.... leeft.... heavy.... theengs. UUUUHHH.....(shovel)"
But I have no one to blame but myself. I took shop in high school with every intent of learning how to work on small engines. But then I found you could make throwing stars with sheet metal. The shop would never be the same.
I also had every intent of learning how to do wood projects. But then I cut my thumb open on the table saw.
I was very fortunate that the saw was just spinning down after I killed the power. Had it been still running I'd be missing a digit. (I ruined a girl's white sweater, too, by the way)
So I got to take a ride to the doctor's office. I didn't get stitches but I did have to wear the bandages ----twice.
I'm no doctor, but apparently ol' Doc Madison missed a vital step the first time he bandaged me up. When I went back to have it removed, Doc unwrapped my thumb only to discover that my wound had scabbed over the gauze. We stared at each other in momentary confusion. Then the ol' Doc smiled and said. "Bear down."
What?
RIP!!!!! "OOOOHH.......GGGGGOOOODDD!"
"Hang in there, son. We'll get it right this time."
So the whole table saw thing turned out to be a rather traumatic event for me. To this day my ass puckers every time I hear a saw fire up.
Armed with this knowledge, Karla has learned to write up a "Tom proof" honey do list. This is how it works:
1. If she does not want to become a widow, then it is not a good idea to put anything on the list dealing with electricity.
2. In regards to measurements, said husband has a horse shoe and hand grenades mentality. If you are ok with "close enough" go ahead and put it on the list. If not, call a contractor.
3. In regards to dry wall, hanging sheets is ok. Mud and tape is not advisable.
4. Try to avoid any projects that have a lot of cutting involved. He can do it, but he shakes as if he's been hit by a taser.
So what does that leave? A lot of painting and heavy lifting. That's what I do.
So far the honey do list consists of repainting the inside of the house and redoing the patio with new paving stones, tasks that I can handle.
However, I have found something that I am good at. I am actually really good at laying tile, which I know is going to find itself on the list real soon.
Thank God most of our big projects are already done.....Otherwise, the EMT's and Fire department would need to be put on speed dial.
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