Native Tongue....

Native Tongue...

One of the big regrets of my childhood was that I didn't learn to speak Tagalog  -- my mother's language, part of my heritage.

But I grew up in a household that was proudly American, and in America, we speak English, dammit.....

Not that I blame my dad at all.  It's bad enough knowing that your  rebellious teenage boys are going to talk shit on you behind your back.  Why give them the ability to do it while you are sitting in the same room with them?  Plus, I don't think dad really wanted to learn a second language anyway.

Still, even though it bothers me to not have a grasp on the language.  I have just never made the time to learn Tagalog.  I have no one to blame but myself.

Of course, I would just learn it well enough to annoy the people who think anything other than English is an affront to being a true American.

"This is 'Merica, boy....If you can't speak English then why don't you git yer ass back to that island you came from, huh?"

Sigh.....some people just have a gift for making the world a darker, sadder place.  I guess variety is not the spice of life according to some.  But anyway......

Mom did, at one point, attempt to teach us Tagalog.  And my brother Tim succeeded in ending our foreign language lesson, permanently, in a little under five minutes.

The word was dog......In Tagalog it's ASO --- pronounced AH-SO.

But Tim, being the warped mind that he is, began laughing hysterically and yelling ASS-SO.....

Tim somehow turned AH-SO into Asshole......That's just great.

The more Tim laughed (which became practically a high pitched scream at this point) the more pissed Mom got.

Tim wouldn't stop laughing and Mom finally blew a gasket and said that we were through.  It's English from here on out boys.  Enjoy wallowing in your ignorance.

And so, to this very day, the only word I know in Tagalog is ASO.......(Pronounced AH-SO)

The years passed and I had essentially given up the idea of learning my native tongue which, oddly, made me feel as if I was betraying my Filipino brethren. Whenever I hear my mom talking to her friends, I cant help but feel a little guilty that I put absolutely no effort into trying to be at least a little bit Filipino (and, no, eating the food doesn't count).

Then, last week at a restaurant Toby said something to his grandmother in Tagalog.  I have no idea what he said but Mom was so filled with pride that she couldn't help but smile.  Apparently Toby and his cousin Allen had been practicing and speaking to each other in Tagalog.  Nothing major, just a few words here and there. (And I'm quite certain they are saying things they shouldn't be in some instances)

It's then that Toby expressed a desire to learn his grandma's language.  It was a strange feeling that I got.  I felt really proud of Toby and totally pissed at myself......

"You schmuck....why didn't you learn?"

Dad failed ya, son......But no more.

I immediately began to make plans to find Tagalog on Rosetta Stone so that I could capitalize on Toby and now Tera's desire to learn......

And then that awful, awful word came up.....OH GOD....

Tera asked what the word for dog was and as soon as she heard it I knew all hell was about to break loose.

The goofy grin said it all......The Asshole had returned........God help me.

Tera said something I couldn't hear and began to laugh......That was my cue.

I motioned to Karla, Mom, and sister-in-law Billie.

"OK, why don't I take the kids outside while you ladies figure out the bill.  C'mon, chuckle heads, let's go."

Once outside, Tera went bonkers.  As I watched her laying on the ground laughing, I couldn't help but notice how similar this looked to Tim when he lost it.

"Tera, get off the ground."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Tera:  "I have an ASS-SO....I used to have two but one got hit by a car.."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

Me:  "Tera, it's pronounced AH-SO."

Tera:  "My cousin has a little ASS-SO,"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

Me:  "Tera, not so loud.  People don't know what you're saying."

And then, out of nowhere, someone just couldn't resist getting in on the act.

Toby:  "Would you like to see a picture of my ASS-SO?"

Me: "ALRIGHT THAT'S ENOUGH!!!"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Surprisingly, Mom took the lunacy really well this time.  Perhaps it was the thought that she had two grandsons that seriously wanted to learn the native tongue that off set the laughing hyena.

She even gave Tera a big hug, called her Sweetie, and thanked her for coming to lunch.

Hmm...Mom sure has mellowed over the years.

As we all said our goodbyes and piled into our vehicles to drive away, Tera was still laughing.  Really, it's not that damn funny....Well, then again, to Tim it was.

Then.....I slipped.

I have no idea why it happened....It just happened.....I didn't mean to do it......I just did.  I started to sing......

"How much is that ASS-SO in the window?"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Sigh....God help me.....