Bug Zapper
Well, until I sit and think about a bug being electrocuted and burnt to a crisp. I can’t image how painful that must be. But Kenny thinks hitting a windshield, though a quicker way to go, would be even more painful.
“I mean, think about it,” Kenny muses, “What is the last thing that goes through a bugs mind when it hits the windshield?"
“I don’t know – what?”
“His ass….”
“Oh….”
But bugs are nasty, disease carrying creatures, so my pity does not last long.
However……What I really loved about bug zappers was that it always belonged to someone else. Now that Kenny was nice enough to buy me one I'm not quite as enamored with it.
“You know that bug zappers don't attract mosquitoes, right?” I ask, “Mosquitoes aren't attracted to light.”
“This one does,” Kenny said with a devilish grin, “This ol' boy here emits carbon dioxide which DOES attract mosquitoes."
“Ah, I see. Well, I must say that that is brilliant. You know, however, that I could have just put up a couple of bat houses. Did you know that a single bat can eat up to four thousand insects in an evening?”
“I call bullshit....Plus bats aren’t as much fun to watch.”
“Yeah, but now I gotta clean this thing.” I said, “Don't you know that the best thing to do with a bug zapper is to give it to your neighbor?”
“Well, you're not close enough to be my neighbor, but you'll do.”
“Prick.”
“Dude, you're making a mountain out of a mole hill. It's not that hard to clean.”
“Fine. But can you at least get it off the porch?”
“What for?”
“Don't you know that after a bug is electrocuted it's body parts go flying all over the damn place? It'll get in our pizza or in my open bottle of beer........Some bugs carry bacteria you know....I once......”
“Blah, blah, blah.” Kenny interrupts, “Holy shit. Would you like a little cheese with your whine? If I move it over to that tree will that make you happy?”
“Is it more than ten feet away?”
“Are you sure we're related? If we are then I think mom had to have dropped you on your head. Shit the bed... I'll go get an extension cord.”
Satisfied that the bug zapper was a safe distance away from the porch, I open my bottle of beer and grab a pizza out of the box.
“You got the Louisiana hot sauce?” Kenny asks.
“Yeah, here.”
TZZT....
Kenny, speaking with a full mouth, “Hey, you remember that commercial where the guy is putting the hot sauce on his pizza, a mosquito lands on him, draws blood, and then as if flies off it explodes into a big ball of flame?”
“Yeah, I remember that commercial. I don’t remember what company it was, but yeah….”
“Wouldn’t the world be a cooler place if that could actually happen?”
“I’d be using hot sauce on everything I eat.”
“No you wouldn’t. You’d be worried about getting bug parts all over you.”
“Au Contriare. I believe that the exploding fireball will be lava hot, therefore assuring the bugs complete incineration.”
“Um, whatever you say there, dork.”
Kenny opens his can of Keystone Light, takes a long guzzle, and belches loud enough to scare off any wildlife wandering within a mile of the house."
“BBBRRAAAKKKK! Ugh. That felt good. Anyway, I hope you like your summery foo foo beer there. Is that one of your micro brews?”
“Just because my beer has a mildly fruity flavor does not imply in any way that it's foo foo.”
“Yeah, whatever. By the way, if in the future you plan on drinking you're Guinness I suggest you buy it while you’re in the big village. You're not going to find it here.”
“Huh,” I say, “That's too bad; people don't know what their missing.”
“I don't think the locals like their beer to look like tar,” said Kenny, “Plus, it's not beer if you have to chew it.”
TZZT....
“Whatever. Go on and drink your stones you uncultured shit.”
“Yes....Yes I will.”
TZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!!!!!!!
“Well,” said Kenny, “That was probably our first June bug.”
“Yup.”
“So how long do you plan on keeping that ring on your finger?”
“Oh no; we are not starting this again. You bring this up every time we meet.”
“Yeah --- and?”
“Well, aren’t you tired of talking about it?”
“No. So, how long are you going to wear it?”
“Good God, Kenny, I don't know. It has its uses. I mean, I don't have to worry about being asked out on a date.”
“True.....(Burp)” Kenny chucks the can into the recycle bin I had set out. (Well, aren’t you the environmentally conscious hippie?) “You were never one for small talk.”
“Nope.”
TZZT...
“So I hope you don’t mind me prying but I have to ask. Just how in the hell did one so socially challenged as you manage to land a nice girl like Lacey in the first place?”
“Well, as luck would have it, when I first saw her at the library she was having problems with her laptop.”
“Ah,” Kenny smiles, “So it was your first girlfriend that introduced you to your second. That was very nice of her.”
“Ah ha....Ah ha....You're a scream. Anyway, I can't explain why, but I just felt comfortable around her. I mean, I never stuttered once. She offered to pay me for fixing her laptop but I wouldn't take anything for it. It wasn't that big a deal.”
“What did you do to it?”
“I gave it the three finger salute.”
“Is that dork speak? In English please.”
“It's a Windows machine. I just rebooted and everything was fine.”
“Ah.”
“Yes.....Buy a Mac. Anyway, Lacey told me that since I wouldn't take her money then the least she could do is take me out for dinner. We've been together ever since........Well, up until recently.”
“Dude, she's the one.” Kenny said, “You can't let her get away. Otherwise you’re going to be that goofy old recluse who talks to animals and wears the same underwear for weeks at a time.”
“Irreconcilable differences.” I say before finishing my bottle of beer.
There was a long pause as I delve into my next beer and stared off into space.
TZZT...
“She a very ambitious woman,” I said without any prompting from Kenny, “She's a city girl from a well off family that dreams of one day shattering the glass ceiling and becoming a CEO. All I was doing was holding her back. I mean, I tried to be someone I'm not and it simply didn't work out.”
“Ain't it odd,” said Kenny as he waved his hand to present the world sitting before us – trees, fields, and dirt roads. “The one place you couldn't wait to get the hell away from turns out to be the very place where you end up feeling most at home?”
“Yeah. I didn't want to admit it, but I'm glad to be back. It's quiet out here. No concrete, no sirens, no people......No people.”
“Dude, as much as you enjoy being a hobbit tucked away inside this little hobbit hole of yours, at some point you are going to have to go into town and reestablish some old contacts.”
“Listen to you,” I laughed, “A Tolkien reference.”
“What?”
“The gentleman that wrote the hobbit. JRR Tolkien.”
“Oh. Yes. Well, you simply can't live with a dork for as long as I have and not have some of his dorkiness rub off on you.”
“Whatever, dude. I’m not that bad. I never got into Dungeons and Dragons or anything like that.”
“Still a dork.”
TZZT....
“So….” Kenny pauses long enough to polish off another stone, “About this ring.”
“My precious.”
“NO! Not that ring you dipshit.” Kenny says and points to my finger, “Your wedding ring. If you’re not going to take it off, then is it safe to assume that you’re still holding out at least a small bit of hope that you and Lacey can get back together?"
I stare at the band on my finger. It’s simple. No diamonds. No frills. Just a band. It seems fitting of the guy that’s wearing it.
“Hope.” I whisper, “Yeah, to answer your question for the thousandth time, I’m kinda hoping. But I’m kinda hoping for that winning lotto ticket too. I think the odds are about the same.”
“Have you tried to call her?” Kenny asked.
I shake my head. “No, I haven’t. Just like I didn’t the day before and the day before that. I mean, what in the hell am I supposed to say to her? Hey, sorry I packed up all my shit and walked out on you. It’s not you, it’s me, will you take me back?”
“True, you did dig yourself a big hole to climb out of,” said Kenny, “ but I don’t think that excommunication will lead to reconciliation.”
“I’m impressed that you used two big words in one sentence. I believe that you may have exceeded your big word limit for the month.”
Kenny smiles, “Yeah, I’ve been saving that one for ya.” Then the smiles disappears as his face turns grim, “I worry about ya, bro.”
“I know. I appreciate it.”
TZZT….
After a long silence Kenny blurts out, “Do you think people would be more civil to each other if we could be like monkeys and just fling our poop on them when they say something that we don’t like?”
??????
“Dude……What? Um, I got nothing. Where in the Hell did that come from?”
“I think it would solve a lot of problems.”
“No, Kenny, I think that would get you shot.”
“Nah, just gotta be quicker on the draw. I guess that mean you couldn't wear a belt.”
“How much beer have you drank?”
“I’m about out.”
“Call Marlo, you’re sleeping on the couch tonight.”
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