The Eating Healthy Backlash....

WARNING:  Due to the graphic nature of the following blog, parental discretion is advised.

No.....that makes the incident sound violent.....Well, it kind of was; just not in the blood and guts way.

WARNING:  If you are an individual with weak constitutions, then read the following blog at the risk of your own peril.

No......That makes it sound too dangerous.

WARNING:  This author of this blog is an idiot who is about to share a tale of personal pain, suffering, and unquestioningly tremendous stupidity.  If you are not one for sophomoric and disgusting humor ----- STOP READING HERE!!!!

Turn away and enjoy your peaceful life.....Go bake cookies, call your mom, partake of a good book written by a REAL author and not this schmuck.....

Yes.....I believe that covers it.  Let's go with that.

As I begin this blog, along with all the other blogs I write, I turn to Pandora radio and put on classical music.  I don't know why, but classical music helps me write.  Perhaps because it relaxes me and mentally takes me to a good place.

However, I seriously doubt that today's subject matter will mix well with Luigi Boccherinni and his string quartet for two violins.  But I digress.....

I have always had a slight obsession with staying healthy.  I workout as much as time will allow and I am always scanning the internet looking for ways to improve my diet.

One way that I have improved my diet is through my blender.  I have never been good at eating my fruits and vegetables but discovered that I can meet my dietary needs through the use of my juicer and blender.  In short, I can turn something that I have a difficult time consuming into a liquid that I can quickly slam.  In a way I feel like I'm cheating, but it's better than nothing.

The juicer I will get out every now and then; but my lovely blender is a daily part of my life.  While Karla can't stand smoothies, it is what I have for lunch every day.  I go through bananas like there is no tomorrow.  Strawberries, blueberries, and other berries, berries, berries, that I normally wouldn't touch are joyfully consumed thanks to my blender......I love, love, LOVE, my blender.

The one thing I did notice was that while I had my fruits covered I still wasn't getting a consistent amount of vegetables in my diet.

That's when I went to Google and discovered this wonderful thing called spinach.

I read the health benefits of spinach and was immediately convinced that I must add this wonderful, leafy green goodness to my diet.  With my blender it wouldn't be a problem, I would simply mix it in with my protein smoothie that I have after every workout.  Life is good!!!

Some of the benefits of spinach are stronger and healthier hair, reduced risk of colon cancer, improved calcium production for stronger bones, etc., etc.....

Hell yeah, I am all over this.

So I went to the store and bought this ginormous bag of spinach.  When I mixed it in with my smoothie I found myself extremely pleased that I couldn't actually taste the Popeye food.  Great taste and huge health benefits....What could possibly go wrong?

Well, after four consecutive days of spinach smoothies I found out.  Holy Mary, mother of God, it was horrible.

Had I continued to read further down the article (I did AFTER the incident was over) I would have known that spinach, with it's high fiber and water content, is a great cure for constipation and promotes regularity.

Much emphasis should be placed on the word REGULAR.........

By the truest definition of the ailment, I have never had explosive diarrhea, but I had to be close.

My daughter, sick little shit that she is, got a kick out of the whole thing.  Excessive gas, pain, suffering = hysterical hyena like laughter.

Whatever, kid, go away.

There has been enough toilet humor in the entertainment business that I don't really feel the need to go into great detail.....I'm sure you get the picture.

But what happened next turned an uncomfortable situation into an episode of monstrous stupidity.

I try to find the silver lining in every bad incident that crosses my path.  In this case I decided, since I was going to be on the throne for a while, I would take my phone in with me and play the new video game I downloaded.  It will distract me and get my mind off the incredibly unfortunate situation that I had so ignorantly put myself in.  What could possibly go wrong?

Well.......When I play video games I completely zone out and lose all sense of time.  I have no idea how long I was in the bathroom, but I do know that when I finished my game I began to realize that my legs went to sleep. I smacked each leg and felt absolutely nothing......  This.....is.....bad.

It didn't take me long to realize that I was unable get up.......Shit.  Now what?

I wonder if Toby would help me?  No, that's a bad idea.  I would never live that down.

I had to find a way to get up and get circulation back into my legs.  I did not want Karla to come home and find me this way because it would confirm beyond a shadow of a doubt that she, in fact, had married a scatter brained goober. (Actually, I think she had a fairly good idea but decided to marry me anyway.  She must like rebuild projects.)

I looked at the towel rack hanging directly across from me.  I wonder if I could hang off of that and wait to regain control of my dead legs?

No, that's just stupid.  First, I can't reach it anyway and second, I seriously doubt that the two small screws fastening it to the wall would support my weight.

That's all I need, for the my weight to rip the towel rack away from the wall, me hitting my head, and Karla finding me laying unconscious on the bathroom floor with my pants around my ankles......

Nope....Towel rack is out.

Well, what if I leaned to one side?  I could get circulation back into one leg and then lean over and get circulation back into the other.  I could then stand up break free from my porcelain prison.

Unfortunately, it took so long to get circulation back into one leg that the other one would return to it's numb state.  So, back and forth I rocked for a while....getting totally pissed off in the process.

Dammit.......Maybe I can hop on one leg......No, that just doesn't seem like a very good idea.

Finally, I put both hands on the lid and lifted my butt off the seat.  After a while my arms started to fatigue...I could feel the burn....but I was not about to give up. I had to get the hell off this throne....

I thought about the position I was in and, for the life of me I don't know why, I began to imagine myself as an Olympic gymnast balancing on the rings.  I could hear the Olympic them song playing in my head.

"Daaa, DAAAAA, d-da, da, da, dah......."

This....is just.....ignorant.

Eons passed before I finally felt confident enough to rise to my feet.  I can still feel the pin pricks in my legs as I slowly hobbled my way out of the bathroom feeling, and I'm sure looking, like Fred Sanford...

Slowly, ever so slowly, I manage to make my way to the living room.

Then.......the lower GI rebellion continued anew.  With fresh reinforcements, the attack of the green wave resumed with great ferocity.  This time, they brought a battering ram.   I broke out into a cold sweat as I stumbled my way back into the porcelain Hell that I had just broken free from.

Spinach.......You are not my friend..

I think I will cut my consumption back to once a week..........I had always wondered why Popeye waited until he was on the verge of death to eat this leafy green evil.  I now wonder no longer....

Evil.....simply.....evil.