June......

My apologies up front if this post seems a little scatterbrained.  I'm under the weather but determined to meet my self imposed deadline.........This will most likely not be my best work, but life is like that sometimes.


June.....June was the big baseball/softball month that, when we were both working, used to nearly drive Karla and I into the ground.  June was an incredibly odd month in that it would blow by yet simultaneously drag on forever.

June was when you ran from one practice/game to another, pulling into one fast food drive through after another along the way, burning through your savings to purchase empty calories, copious amounts of grease and God knows what else.

We rack up more miles on our vehicles in June than in any other month and the money we spend on gas is slightly outrageous.

June was the month your brain went on auto pilot due to lack of sleep. The month when exercise and a healthy diet went straight out the window...... The month when the bags under your eyes become a little more pronounced and you just couldn't get enough caffeine into your system to keep you going.

(As a result I have developed a fondness for Monster drinks.  So much so that it was suggested that I could perhaps get the softball team a sponsorship from them.......I'll get to work on that. Hell, I wonder if they would pay me a monthly stipend to have MONSTER tattooed on my arm. Hmm.....)

June was the month when you're heart sank as you looked at your calendar and realized that you did not have a single day off. Even worse most of those days would begin at 6 am and end around 10pm or later.  I believe Karla rips June out of the calendar every year and stores it away so that, twenty years from now, we can pull it out and look back on the insanity that was our lives.  We can also look at it and be thankful that we didn't have more than two kids.  I don't think we would survive.

June was four weeks of absolute hell for our poor dogs.  God love 'em, they tried, but twelve plus hours without a bathroom break is just too much to ask.

Wrigley:  Dude, I am in so much pain.....I swear my eyes are floating....

Mario: (involuntarily shaking)  Hang in there man....We can make it.....WE CAN MAKE IT!!!

Wrigley:  You know there's a throw rug in Tera's room....

Mario:  Shit on it....Let's go.

Wrigley:  Right....It was a noble effort, man...

Mario:  Dude, just shut up and get the hell out of my way.

And through all that Karla never wanted to fence in part of the yard.  It's ok....The work around is to let the kids in the front door first and make them collect the "finders fee".  I honestly think they were just too tired to catch on to this tactic. Or perhaps too tired to care.

Your friends soon learned that in June it's not even worth bothering to ask you if you wanted to take a trip. go to a party, watch a movie or do anything that didn't involve a ball field.  (Unless your wife mistakenly (on purpose?) planned a cruise in June......She will never live that one down -- but I will save that story for another day....It actually turned out ok -- near blindness and motion sickness withstanding)

June was the month when you had more dishes and silverware piled up in the sink and counter than in the cupboards.

June was the month when things died in the trash and the refrigerator only to be discovered when you opened the front door late, late, late, in the evening.

Between the funky smells coming out of our trash and produced by our dogs I had once seriously considered a gas mask or perhaps a hazmat suit.  Maybe even pitch a tent in the yard.

Or better yet just blow up the house and start over....We have insurance, right?



Before I became a stay at home dad June.....was......Hell......



But since I have jumped out of the rat race?  Now that I home?  Well, it's still a bit of a grind, but it's a whole lot better than it used to be.

1.  The house is clean (ahem, by man standards.....Really? What the hell?).....that never used to happen in June.

2.  The food we have eaten, for the most part, has been cooked and did not come out of a bag or box.  As a result we all feel better.  I've even managed to drop a few pounds.....

3.  I'm not sure how this happened but we have more money in savings this year than we did at this time last year.  Really?  I gave up a full time job and we are ahead of where we were last year?  That's incredible.  Well, actually it's incredibly depressing to think of how much money we wasted.  But, that isn't just a June thing.  A lifestyle change forced us to become more financially responsible.  Once again, thanks to Dave Ramsey for the valuable lessons we have learned.

4. Our dog is happy.  He has still had a few challenging days, but nowhere near what it used to be.  As a result we have only had one accident in the house this ball season, to which I gladly (ok, that's exaggerating a bit) collected the finders fee.

(Notice I said dog -- singular.  Sadly, Wrigley is no longer with us.  However, when I soon discovered that I could sit on my couch without getting hair all over me all thoughts of getting another dog went out the window.  I'm sure the kids will break us down at some point, but if we do get another dog it will be just like Mario --- a low to the ground pooch with no hops.)


5....and most importantly.....We have energy!!!!

I am proud to say that I have gone the entire month of June without a cup of coffee......Well, ok, I'm still downing Monsters drinks on the weekends but, as I stated earlier, I have developed a fondness for them.  I should probably start thinking about kicking the Monster habit.  I'm sure my heart will thank me.

 Last July I did nothing but sleep and lay around the house.  This July I have already made plans to fire up the grill, pitch some horseshoes, and down a few White Russians.

I'm taking the kids fishing and we are going to hike those trails that I have been meaning to get to for the past few years.

I'm going to catch up with family and friends.


Gas is still outrageous and friends still know not to bother asking us to do anything in June.  But, that's alright; you can't have everything.


June.....this year the Meyer family took your best shot and came out of it ok.


Occasionally, I will ask Karla if she thinks I should go back to work.  Her answer after June has been an emphatic "HELL NO".  So, cleaning like a man aside, I'd say I'm doing ok.

June....you don't have shit on us now.....Bring it on!!!!!

Simplify.....

I just watched the documentary "TINY: A Story About Living Small" and was absolutely fascinated by it.

In a nutshell the film is about a man and his desire to build a tiny home.  He starts off by buying a trailer  (no, not a trailer home ---- a flatbed utility trailer) and the movie ends with the finished product being a 124 square foot house built upon the trailer which, I have to admit, looked really nice.

Throughout the film there are interviews with other tiny home owners; the largest home in the entire film was just 500 square feet and held a family of four.

One thing that really struck a chord with me was how clean every house was.  Now I'm sure the homes aren't that clean all the time and only one tiny home owner had children.  Still, I was amazed at how well utilized the limited space was with cubby holes, tables that fold and stow away, a small loft for sleeping quarters, etc. etc..  There were small heaters mounted to the wall that ran on the propane tanks used for gas grills, and somehow every tiny home had a bathroom and shower in a separate room.  The creativity that goes into creating a comfortable living environment within a minuscule amount of space is incredible.

Although I don't know that I could live in a tiny home.  I guess it would depend on who else is in the house.  If it's going to be someone (any one of my brothers) who is going to blow up the bathroom every morning I would say hell no.  With a house that small, I doubt you could burn enough candles to keep it smelling fresh.  But, I digress.

 In the end what the documentary did was focus my attention on my own house.  I have nearly 1,500 square feet and, while clean, the house is cluttered.  I was only slightly bothered by the clutter before viewing the documentary.....Now it aggravates the shit out of me.

I have an assortment of bags and totes sitting in one corner of the house and a ton of ball gear in another corner that spills over into the next room holding my home gym.  Neither really have a true home within the household.

I have a dining room table that I would just love to sell because all it does is collect crap.  Mail, magazines, art supplies, clothes, cups, and an odd assortment of things that get dumped there whenever someone can't figure out what to do with it.

I have a utility room that I can can barely get into with all the recycling that gets deposited there until we can find time to get rid of it.

And don't even get me started on the kitchen counters.......

Another thing that the movie brought to my attention was the minimal amount of personal possessions these tiny house owners possessed.  I feel I've been spoiled for way too long.

How do those people in those tiny houses do it?  How do they manage to keep everything tidy?

Actually, I know what they do.....but I'm dreading it. They only have what is necessary to live; a minimal amount of personal possessions.  If I want to live as they do, I'm going to have to simplify.  I'm going to have to (gulp) purge.  Not an easy task for this pack rat.

But I'm not a hoarder --- I've seen that show.  You know, maybe I should watch and episode or two of that and then I will feel better about myself.  I can look around the house and happily proclaim.  "I can see the floor --- good enough, man, good enough."

No....I have to fix this.  Once I become annoyed by something, I simply cannot rest until I cure what ails me.  (Although, sometimes, if I bitch about it long enough, Karla will fix it just to shut me up.)

I'm not going to throw family members under the bus (although it would be fun)....Instead I will start by focusing on myself. I have to go through my own things and rid myself of what I don't use.  After that I can work on the family.

 I have at least fourteen pairs of shoes and only wear five or six, and I have an entire closet of clothes of which I only wear a fraction of. These items definitely contribute to the clutter as I usually have both shoes and sweatshirts laying about the house.

I own 14 ball caps and only wear two, maybe three of them.  (Maybe I should wear some of the others....My Cubs hat is about to rot off my head.)

I have sports gear laying everywhere that is doing nothing but collecting dust.  (Mainly my pitching machine....rendered useless after a bad storm destroyed my batting cage.)

Start with me....It's important that I start with me......Simplify first, then I can branch out.

Other ideas to reduce clutter.......For in the meantime.

I'm half tempted to give each kid a cup, plate, bowl and utensils and tell them to keep it in their room.  They would only eat and drink out of those items given, wash and dry them immediately, and then take everything back to their rooms.  I'm willing to bet that that would take care of the piles of dishes that I have to wash on a daily basis.

Plus, if I find a plate laying by the computer and spaghetti sauce all over the keyboard, I won't have to do any detective work to find out who the culprit was......Not that that's ever happened...Ahem.

But, I'm not sure that it's a good idea.....It seems a bit extreme....I may have to ponder that move for a while.

One thing that I will most definitely enforce is that when the someone takes their shoes off that they immediately take that pair to their room.  I'm looking around the living room now and I see four pairs of shoes laying about -- and one of them is mine.  Actually, four pair is a light day.  Toby and I are both shoe freaks capable of scattering Nike's all over the house.  You can literally walk into almost every room in the house and find a pair of shoes that belong to either Toby or myself.

I believe I will also invest in a paper shredder.  Mail has a way of piling up on the dining room table; and seeing the piles of mail gets me grinding my teeth....ARRRGGHHH!!!   It's gotta go!!!!!



But anyway......Two weeks from now ball season will be over...and so the purge will begin-----with Karla's help, of course.

I tend to develop and attachment to my things.  I just know I'm going to be like a two year old that just refuses to give up his binky.  Karla will have to be there to wrestle my things away from me.

(Here's a good example of what I mean....I have a long sleeve t-shirt that I have had since before Toby was born ---- he's fourteen now.  You can't even tell what used to be on the shirt, I believe it may have been an eagle at one point.  But, hey, it's comfy dammit.)

Early on in our marriage Karla would argue with me about getting rid of things.  My clothes being the chief topic of conversation.

Karla: "Tom, you really need to get rid of that flannel shirt."

Me:  "But it's my favorite."

Karla:  "It has holes in it and it used to be green...Now it's brown."

Me: "But it's broke in....It's comfortable."

But, just like everything else that Karla said needed to be thrown out, it simply disappeared.

"Have you seen my flannel shirt?"

"No, but I got you a new one."

"But I don't want a new........HEEEEYYY??!!  Did you throw out my flannel shirt?"

"I don't know what you're talking about."

Eventually Karla stopped suggesting that I throw out anything....My shit just started disappearing.  What's really annoying about the whole thing is that I can't prove that she's thrown away any of my stuff.  She must be going ninja on me; getting up in the middle of the night to raid and plunder my closets.

I swear, if I had a dollar for every time time I said, "Dammit, I can't find my ----"

This time, however, I will do the purging. No, seriously, I will. It may take a lot of beer and waffling, but I will begin the purge...I have to get rid of all the excess. I have to simplify.. I have to get rid of the things that I really don't need.  No....more....clutter.

Start with me.....Then I can branch out.

I just hope Karla doesn't laugh too much as she watches me struggle.....

Man, I should have never watched that movie.

The Eating Healthy Backlash....

WARNING:  Due to the graphic nature of the following blog, parental discretion is advised.

No.....that makes the incident sound violent.....Well, it kind of was; just not in the blood and guts way.

WARNING:  If you are an individual with weak constitutions, then read the following blog at the risk of your own peril.

No......That makes it sound too dangerous.

WARNING:  This author of this blog is an idiot who is about to share a tale of personal pain, suffering, and unquestioningly tremendous stupidity.  If you are not one for sophomoric and disgusting humor ----- STOP READING HERE!!!!

Turn away and enjoy your peaceful life.....Go bake cookies, call your mom, partake of a good book written by a REAL author and not this schmuck.....

Yes.....I believe that covers it.  Let's go with that.

As I begin this blog, along with all the other blogs I write, I turn to Pandora radio and put on classical music.  I don't know why, but classical music helps me write.  Perhaps because it relaxes me and mentally takes me to a good place.

However, I seriously doubt that today's subject matter will mix well with Luigi Boccherinni and his string quartet for two violins.  But I digress.....

I have always had a slight obsession with staying healthy.  I workout as much as time will allow and I am always scanning the internet looking for ways to improve my diet.

One way that I have improved my diet is through my blender.  I have never been good at eating my fruits and vegetables but discovered that I can meet my dietary needs through the use of my juicer and blender.  In short, I can turn something that I have a difficult time consuming into a liquid that I can quickly slam.  In a way I feel like I'm cheating, but it's better than nothing.

The juicer I will get out every now and then; but my lovely blender is a daily part of my life.  While Karla can't stand smoothies, it is what I have for lunch every day.  I go through bananas like there is no tomorrow.  Strawberries, blueberries, and other berries, berries, berries, that I normally wouldn't touch are joyfully consumed thanks to my blender......I love, love, LOVE, my blender.

The one thing I did notice was that while I had my fruits covered I still wasn't getting a consistent amount of vegetables in my diet.

That's when I went to Google and discovered this wonderful thing called spinach.

I read the health benefits of spinach and was immediately convinced that I must add this wonderful, leafy green goodness to my diet.  With my blender it wouldn't be a problem, I would simply mix it in with my protein smoothie that I have after every workout.  Life is good!!!

Some of the benefits of spinach are stronger and healthier hair, reduced risk of colon cancer, improved calcium production for stronger bones, etc., etc.....

Hell yeah, I am all over this.

So I went to the store and bought this ginormous bag of spinach.  When I mixed it in with my smoothie I found myself extremely pleased that I couldn't actually taste the Popeye food.  Great taste and huge health benefits....What could possibly go wrong?

Well, after four consecutive days of spinach smoothies I found out.  Holy Mary, mother of God, it was horrible.

Had I continued to read further down the article (I did AFTER the incident was over) I would have known that spinach, with it's high fiber and water content, is a great cure for constipation and promotes regularity.

Much emphasis should be placed on the word REGULAR.........

By the truest definition of the ailment, I have never had explosive diarrhea, but I had to be close.

My daughter, sick little shit that she is, got a kick out of the whole thing.  Excessive gas, pain, suffering = hysterical hyena like laughter.

Whatever, kid, go away.

There has been enough toilet humor in the entertainment business that I don't really feel the need to go into great detail.....I'm sure you get the picture.

But what happened next turned an uncomfortable situation into an episode of monstrous stupidity.

I try to find the silver lining in every bad incident that crosses my path.  In this case I decided, since I was going to be on the throne for a while, I would take my phone in with me and play the new video game I downloaded.  It will distract me and get my mind off the incredibly unfortunate situation that I had so ignorantly put myself in.  What could possibly go wrong?

Well.......When I play video games I completely zone out and lose all sense of time.  I have no idea how long I was in the bathroom, but I do know that when I finished my game I began to realize that my legs went to sleep. I smacked each leg and felt absolutely nothing......  This.....is.....bad.

It didn't take me long to realize that I was unable get up.......Shit.  Now what?

I wonder if Toby would help me?  No, that's a bad idea.  I would never live that down.

I had to find a way to get up and get circulation back into my legs.  I did not want Karla to come home and find me this way because it would confirm beyond a shadow of a doubt that she, in fact, had married a scatter brained goober. (Actually, I think she had a fairly good idea but decided to marry me anyway.  She must like rebuild projects.)

I looked at the towel rack hanging directly across from me.  I wonder if I could hang off of that and wait to regain control of my dead legs?

No, that's just stupid.  First, I can't reach it anyway and second, I seriously doubt that the two small screws fastening it to the wall would support my weight.

That's all I need, for the my weight to rip the towel rack away from the wall, me hitting my head, and Karla finding me laying unconscious on the bathroom floor with my pants around my ankles......

Nope....Towel rack is out.

Well, what if I leaned to one side?  I could get circulation back into one leg and then lean over and get circulation back into the other.  I could then stand up break free from my porcelain prison.

Unfortunately, it took so long to get circulation back into one leg that the other one would return to it's numb state.  So, back and forth I rocked for a while....getting totally pissed off in the process.

Dammit.......Maybe I can hop on one leg......No, that just doesn't seem like a very good idea.

Finally, I put both hands on the lid and lifted my butt off the seat.  After a while my arms started to fatigue...I could feel the burn....but I was not about to give up. I had to get the hell off this throne....

I thought about the position I was in and, for the life of me I don't know why, I began to imagine myself as an Olympic gymnast balancing on the rings.  I could hear the Olympic them song playing in my head.

"Daaa, DAAAAA, d-da, da, da, dah......."

This....is just.....ignorant.

Eons passed before I finally felt confident enough to rise to my feet.  I can still feel the pin pricks in my legs as I slowly hobbled my way out of the bathroom feeling, and I'm sure looking, like Fred Sanford...

Slowly, ever so slowly, I manage to make my way to the living room.

Then.......the lower GI rebellion continued anew.  With fresh reinforcements, the attack of the green wave resumed with great ferocity.  This time, they brought a battering ram.   I broke out into a cold sweat as I stumbled my way back into the porcelain Hell that I had just broken free from.

Spinach.......You are not my friend..

I think I will cut my consumption back to once a week..........I had always wondered why Popeye waited until he was on the verge of death to eat this leafy green evil.  I now wonder no longer....

Evil.....simply.....evil.

Summertime odds and ends...6/6/14

The week that was.....so far...

The Library

To watch Tera get her first library card you would think it was a driver's license.  Well, then again, Tera has no desire to drive.  She doesn't want a cell phone either.  So I guess the excitement about the library card is justified.

She checked out three books; had one read by the time we got home and was seventy pages into her next book by the time Karla got home.

Toby?  Well, he pulled a book off the shelf and looked at the cover.....I guess that's a start.

Batting Practice

In her last tournament, Tera really struggled at the plate.  I was out in the yard setting up the tees and hitting net when Toby offered to work with her.  Hell, why not?  Toby has really made a connection with both of his coaches this year; both of whom have done a lot to help him work the kinks out of his swing.  To say that Toby has been swinging a hot bat is a slight understatement.  His been absolutely ripping it up.

I took a back seat and watched.  I was pleasantly surprised to see how well these two siblings worked together.  They spent at least an hour out in the yard working on Tera's swing and by the end she looked like a completely different hitter.

But her swing takes a back seat to how pleased I was to see how well they got along.  With five years in between them, they don't always see eye to eye.  But after what I just saw I'm quite positive that they will be there for each other when needed.  This pleases me greatly....

Ah --- Road Construction
I know that the maintenance of our roads is a necessary chore; but that doesn't make it any less aggravating.  It's only June and I'm already sick of the color orange.....and I'm also sick of the idiots that speed up and veer recklessly into my lane, wedging their way in just feet in front of me, because their lane is ending.

Did you not see the merge left sign posted, oh, about a mile back? Did you not notice that everyone BUT YOU was in the left lane already?  It's okay pal, don't sweat it.  I needed to test my brakes out anyway.  Yup, I can go from 40 to 10 in half a second to avoid hitting and obliterating your rear end...Thanks for the safety check, prick.....

I wonder if it's possible to mount a rocket launcher on a Cobalt?

I think I'll write a song called "Asshole in a Kia"....It has a nice ring to it.

Or maybe I'll just do what a friend of mine used to do.  Whenever traffic came to an orange crawl he would roll down his window, get a bottle out of the glove box......and blow bubbles.

I have to admit....that would be a relaxing way to alleviate some road rage.  Plus, I don't think "Asshole in a Kia" is going to be a top ten hit.

A Bad Day to Be a Beetle
Batting practice was going ok until Tera saw a beetle scurrying across home plate.  Tera, completely terrified of bugs, froze solid in the batter's box.  I could have thrown a half a dozen balls over the plate and she would have never seen it. Her eyes never left the large black beetle that unknowingly wandered into a danger zone.

I was half expecting her to scream and see what was left of the beetle smeared on the business end of her bat.  Instead she quietly stepped out of the box and waited for the retched creature to leave the field.

About the time the beetle reached the first base line our littlest player, whom we have nicknamed Cheetah, saw the bug and proceeded to follow.

"Should I kill it?" she asks, hovering over it as if she were a gladiator standing over her fallen adversary and patiently waiting for the mob to decide it's fate.

Maybe I'm just getting soft in my old age, but I just can't kill anything anymore.  I gave up hunting years ago but have been prodded lately by Toby to take him turkey hunting.  I will probably break down at some point, but my heart just isn't in it.

"I think I saw that beetle in "A Bug's Life"", I said in what I already knew was a weak and worthless effort to prevent a creepy crawlies untimely demise, "He's not hurting anyone, just let him go on about his business."

Then came a voice out of Tera's mouth that was gravely and alarmingly vicious.  It kind of reminded me of Maleficent from the movie Sleeping Beauty --- "And know you deal with me, and all the powers of HELL!!!!"

"KILL IT!!!!" she screamed as flames spewed from her mouth.

Cheetah gleefully followed her orders.

STOMP...CRUNCH.

After taking her foot off her victim, Cheetah's nose curls up, her eyes squint, and she frowns in disgust......."Oh, gross, it's still moving!"

STOMP STOMP STOMP STOMP

"There", said Cheetah, "I got it."

Tera, convinced that this foul, demonic, beetle had been vanquished, steps back into the batter's box, satisfied that all is well in the world; batting practice may now resume.

Little barbarians.......Just a couple of little barbarians.

Godzilla
I remember when I was a kid channel five, one of only three channels our tv got, would occasionally run monster week in the afternoon.  As soon as the bell rang at school I was off and running; and I was so excited that I didn't stop running until I got home.  My side hurt terribly and my little lungs burned as I wheezed and coughed my way into the house... But that was okay..... I was not about to miss my Godzilla movies.  Even if it meant getting in trouble because I left my little brother behind.

"Where's Tim?" Mom would ask....

Tim?  Tim, who?  Can't you see the movie is starting?

So you can just imagine my excitement when Tera asked me to take her to the new Godzilla movie.  Hooray!!!!

We asked Toby if he wanted to go but he declined.  He's a lot like Karla in a sense.  Neither one of them find scary movies or monster movies very amusing.  Pfft......they don't know what they're missing.

It was an awesome movie and, I'm proud to say, I made it through without going to the bathroom.

I apologize......I have a hang up about the movies and urination......

Years ago, when I was much younger, I drank a beer before going in to see (unbeknownst to me at the time) a three hour movie.  There was no intermission and my bladder nearly exploded.  I was determined not to miss any part of this movie that I had paid a small fortune to see (which is why I don't go to the movies very often) and by the end I was rocking back and forth in my seat.  Karla denied she ever knew me and everyone else around me began to wonder what mental ailment I was suffering from and why wasn't I wearing my helmet.

As soon as the movie was over I vaulted out of my seat and ran as fast as an individual with a full bladder possible could to the bathroom.  My need was great and I feared I would not make it.

The best way to describe the situation?  How about fifty pounds of potatoes wedged into a ten pound bag?  Yes, the situation was painfully dire.......But, luckily (and I seriously mean luckily) I made it.

Immense pressure = immense relief.

I swear that was the longest pee I ever took in my entire life; and I was happy about it.  But, smiling in a public restroom is not advisable.....it kind of creeps people out.

Anyway, since that incident I have had this irrational fear that I will once again have to pee midway through a movie.

So right before we leave the house, I go to the bathroom.  As soon as we get to the movie theater, I go to the bathroom.  By the time Tera and I have take our seats I have not had anything for drink for about two hours and have no intention on drinking anything until we are at least twenty minutes into the movie.

I can make it.....I can make it......

I got on google to see if perhaps there is some kind of phobia about having to pee in the middle of a movie but I didn't find anything.

But I did feel better to know that there are other emotionally unstable movie goers like myself.

Did you know there is an app out there call RunPee?  It finds three to five minutes scenes that are not critical to the plot and lets you know that then would be a great time to make a run for it.

I also found a "To Pee or Not to Pee" flow chart. (I bet Mr. Shakespeare is rolling over in his grave)

But I don't need those things....I'm not that bad....No, really.  I'm not.

Seriously....

Anyway, Tera and I enjoyed the movie.  I think Maleficent will be our next outing together.

I can make it......I can make it....