This is how last weekend went. Tera's tournament started on Friday night at 6; meaning we had to leave the house by 4:15 to get there for pre game warmups. After the game we got home at around 8:15 and hit the sack early knowing we were in for a long weekend. We got up on Saturday morning at 6 am and hit the ground running. With Toby and Tera's tournaments in opposite directions it was divide and conquer day for Karla and I. Karla would go with Toby and, if Tera's tournament was going well, she and Toby would join up with us that evening.
Well, Tera's day went well; really well. We ended up going to the championship game ---- at 9:30 that evening. By the time we had gotten home and in bed by midnight we had been on the run for 18 hours. (I even drove back home for a couple of hours to rest --- it didn't really help)
Luckily for us, Sunday was going to be a light day as Toby's team also did well. A first round bye meant that we didn't have to leave for the ball park until noon. I don't think any of us were up before 10 o'clock.
I am very proud to say that Toby's team also made the championship game and at 8:30 we were finally pulling into the drive. Heck, we were only on the run for a measly 7 1/2 hours on Sunday.
Anyway, I mentioned all this so that I could set up the rest of the story.......
Karla ---- is a workaholic. Unless the activity is well planned out in advance, she seriously has no idea how to relax.
On our way home from the ball park Karla said, "I am exhausted. I can't wait to go home and relax."
So we get home and unload the car. I plop down on the couch and begin to relish what has been a totally awesome weekend.
Karla --- Miss Exhausted --- throws in a load of laundry, loads the dishwasher, starts whipping something up for a late supper, and sits down to balance the check book......
"Um, what are you doing?" I ask.
"What do you mean?"
"You're doing my job." I said, "Just let it go and I'll take care of it tomorrow. We can eat leftovers tonight."
"That's okay....I live here to, you know."
"I thought you said you were tired and needed to relax?"
And, in all seriousness, Karla says, "I AM relaxing."
Really? That's relaxing? Perhaps you should look up "relax" in the dictionary. I don't think you understand the true definition of the word.
It's not that I have a problem with her helping out around the house; that's cool. The problem I have is that I can't relax if she isn't relaxing. I immediately begin to feel like a lazy toad; especially when she's doing the things around the house that I normally do. (This guilt complex will be the death of me)
It.....drives.....me......crazy.
But that is the way Karla has always been. It's a family trait that simply defies logic. She has an uncle who likes to mow his yard because it helps him "relax".....
The day Karla's dad retired I told her that I give him one day before he is at our house helping out on a project. My prediction was wrong -- it was TWO days before he showed up. And in a couple of hours we had pulled a stump out of the ground, loaded brush in the back of his pickup and worked on two downspouts.
I thanked him for his help and as he drove away a thought occurred to me. What will Karla be like when she retires? I unintentionally (and rather violently) shuddered at the thought of it. I'm quite serious when I say this; I fear that I will work more when she is retired than I ever will while she is gainfully employed.
I felt a sense of panic and had visions of my hands being worked down to the bone, my back aching perpetually, and a plethora of bumps and bruises from all those times that Karla will most assuredly accidentally hit me with something.
Two examples of household accidents:
Early into our marriage we were together in the kitchen. Karla, not aware of her surroundings and always in a hurry, quickly turned around whilst holding a knife pointing outwards. It managed to find it's way into my right pectoral muscle......Lovely.
We will just stay in the kitchen for the second example. For some reason I was checking inside the bottom drawer of our old gas stove. I don't remember if there was a pilot light down there or what. In fact the only thing I do remember about the incident was that the door was spring loaded. As I stuck my head inside the stove Karla let go of the door and got to see my head crushed inside the oven.....It is a memory that I will forever cherish.
I started to sweat a little as I began to realize that I may in fact not survive Karla's retirement.
"Coming up on the nightly news....A woman accidentally castrates her husband with a weed whacker. We'll have all the details at six."
My God.....I need to get some hobbies before she retires. Maybe that's why all those old men spend every waking moment fishing, or golfing, or at the bar......It's safer than being at home.
Before I get to my tournament free weekend let me give you some examples of the books Karla reads while she is "RELAXING".....
1. The 80/20 Principle.....The secret to success by achieving more with less -- Richard Koch
2. Smart Money/Smart Kids -- Dave Ramsey and Rachel Cruze
3. Smart Women Finish Rich -- David Bach
Yeah...Can't you just feel yourself unwinding?
Karla will, on rare occasions, read a smut novel when she feels she needs a "mindless" activity.
Anyway, I found that amusing......On to this upcoming weekend.
It doesn't happen very often, but I actually thought ahead for a change. (Hooray for me!) With two consecutive weekends without tournaments I have launched a preemptive strike and made my own honey do list. I know I will have to work, but if I make the list myself there may be a chance that I don't get worked to death. I may even find some time to go fishing.
Karla has a gift for turning one job into several. She will start off by saying, "We should probably mow the lawn today."
"Ok, I'll get it done."
As I'm mowing the lawn I see Karla walk out, put her hands on her hips, and survey.
Oh.....Shit.....
A short nod and a smile and she proceeds to go off. "After the lawn we should probably weed eat, we need to clear out the ditches, pick up all the brush, spray the poison ivy, stir the compost, water the garden, pull all the tables and the swing off the patio so we can sweep it and then do something about the downspouts. Oh, by the way, I noticed that some of the bricks on the patio are terribly worn. My uncle says that he has a whole pile of paving stones at his place that we can buy cheap. He'll even haul it up for us. We can level with sand and lay the paving stones on top of the old patio and bring the new patio up even with the door."
Hold on....she's not done yet. "I saw the trim is starting to peel on the house, we should probably scrape all of that and repaint. Did you see that fire pit that Dave made? We should do that too. That would look really nice on the patio.......What's wrong?"
"What?" I say....
"Are you all right? You look tired."
"I do have this sudden urge to take a nap.....I guess I will go inside and brew up a pot of coffee."
It's crazy. Karla simply cannot spend a weekend at home doing nothing. For as long as I have been married to her I have never once had a movie day with her or a roll out of bed at noon and walk around in your pajamas day. No, to Karla the weekend is a complete disaster if she doesn't do something "productive".......a word that I have actually grown to hate. Almost as much as the phrase, "How bad could it possibly be?" Whenever Karla asks that question you can take it to the bank ---- this project is going to be an effed up mess.
But, as I said earlier, I have made my own honey do list; and I'm going to stick with it, dammit. As soon as she starts to suggest some shit job that is not on my list I will run away like an excited dog who's owner had accidentally left the gate open. She is going to have to catch me if she is going to make me do that job, dammit.....
I have completely given up trying to get Karla to relax. I am now a firm believer that half of the old men in this country wearing hearing aids aren't truly deaf --- but it's the only good out we men have. In fact, I may start practicing now.
"What?"
I'm sticking to my list dammit......I'm sticking to my list.......I will not get worked into the ground.....I will drink a beer......I will go fishing.....I will..................most likely end up working more than I wanted to......
Sigh.......When is our next tournament?
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