The Incredible Cramp Man...

There comes a time in every man's life when he has to face up to the fact that he is not the man he used to be.

When you are playing softball and you blow a hamstring running from first to second --- you may not be the young  man you used to be...(I was safe by the way)

When girls no longer talk to you in a flirty, almost giddy tone and address you as "sir" -- you may not be the young man you used to be.  (I'm actually ok with this part.....Being socially challenged, I have no flirting skills and am much more comfortable around older, self assured women who see no need to flirt.)

If you drink two beers, pass out by 9:30, and are sluggish until about 2 PM the next afternoon --- you may not be the young man you used to be,

When you are more excited about your lawn mower than your car.......

But, despite all the obvious clues that perhaps it's time to slow down and adopt a tamer lifestyle, we men just keep desperately trying to hold onto our youth.....

Why?  Well, it's really no secret.....Because we're stupid.

My big man hang up has always been about being in good physical condition.  The thought of having a beer gut or a flat ass  just bothers the hell out of me.  I am very well aware that Father Time will eventually have his way with me; but that's not going to stop me from hanging on for as long as I can.  I just don't think suspenders are a good look for me....

 But every year it gets harder and harder to stay in shape; the injuries are more frequent and takes longer to heal.......I am not the young man I used to be.

This week was week one of my summer workout routine....and boy has it been a struggle.

I have never cramped up so much in my entire life.  I am drinking tons of water and eating right and it doesn't make any difference.

My first bad cramp came on back and shoulders day.  My left shoulder seized up in the middle of a set of lat pulldowns.  It was as if someone savagely twisted my arm; I screamed as the palm of my hand turned outwards and away from my body.  I managed to work the cramp out, but the rest of the workout was shot.  If I even moved my left arm just a little my shoulder would lock up again.  That was two days ago -- and my shoulder is still sore.

That was, I thought at the time, by far the worst cramp I had ever had....So I proceeded to call myself the Incredible Cramp Man.  I didn't ever want to experience anything like that ever again.  Little did I know what dirty little trick life had in store for me the next day.

The next day, while doing a tough ab workout, I was visited by the Incredible Cramp Man's faithful sidekick, the Screaming Roly Poly....

If you have never had an abdominal cramp, let me tell you, it's a real treat. Imagine someone grabbing your stomach, twisting into a tight ball, and then trying to rip it out of your body ......DEEEELIGHTFUL......

 This particular cramp was bad enough that I involuntarily curled up in a tight ball and screamed in agony as I desperately tried to uncurl myself. Roly Poly, roly poly, up up up......

My idiot dog was no help at all.  He just kept sniffing and snorting on me while I screamed. He could have marked me and I would have been helpless to prevent it.

Once again, I got the cramp worked out and, once again, the day's workout was shot.  The Incredible Cramp Man didn't have shit on the Screaming Roly Poly.

And it's not a real festival of cramps until you have had a visit from Captain Hamstring.  "He's working to hard.....let's bring him down."

"Aaaahhhhh!"

My favorite part about the hamstring cramp was that, when I tried to go to bed, it insisted on waking me up every fifteen minutes.  It got bad enough that Karla had to rub down both my legs with BioFreeze....(My new best friend,)

As I lay in bed, worn out but too afraid to fall asleep, I began to wonder if the cramps I was having are the kind of cramps women have to go through every single month.....Shit, no wonder they're crabby.  I lay in bed more appreciative of the ladies.....This sucks.

I wonder if there's any Midol in the house?......I could eat that shit like it's candy right about now.

To add insult to injury I had one final cramp that had nothing to do with a workout.  It was if my body was saying, "Go ahead, just try to work out again.....We can hit you anywhere, anytime we want."

Have you ever gotten a cramp while yawning?  Not only does it hurt like hell as the muscle under your jaw balls up, you look like a freaking idiot to everyone that can see you.

"What in the hell is that idiot doing?"

Have you ever tried to scream with your mouth wide open?  You kind of sound like a whale....EEEERRRRRGGHHH!!!!!!   OOOOooooowwwwuuhhhh!!!!!!

Which, of course,  makes you look even stupider than you did with just your mouth wide open..

So I slowly pull my head back, I'm looking skyward and trying to work the tight knot out from under my jaw.  I'm also stumbling back and forth so I look  and sound like a complete moron just dancing to the sound of his own voice.

"EEEEERRRRRGGGGHHH....."

Yes.....My first week of the new workout regimen has been an absolute hell.  I have never been more discouraged in my entire life.....

But I have the weekend off and next Monday is the start of a new week.....It certainly can't get any worse, can it?

I tell you what....If next week is bad as last week....Shit.......Hand me a beer and get me some suspenders.