Field Trip....

I held out as long as I could.

I knew that, eventually, I would have to go on a field trip with my daughter and her classmates.  But that didn't stop me from trying to get out of them. It was just another social event that I really wanted to avoid.

But after Karla took time off of work to do some body works display at the elementary school (I think she played the part of the intestinal tract....Confirming my belief that she's full of shit.... :).....) I knew there was no way I was getting out of going to the Natural History Museum with Tera and the rest of her third grade class mates.

I guess if I had to choose a fictional character that would best describe me socially, it would be a hobbit.

"Bother burgling socializing and everything to do with it! I wish I was at home in my nice hole by the fire, with the kettle just beginning to sing!" It was not the last time that he wished that!"
A hobbit "never had any adventures or did anything unexpected"
I don't know why I can't get a grasp on small talk, but I have always struggled with it.... In all social outings I am very rarely the one to initiate conversation.

Well, unless I'm at the baseball/softball diamonds; as long as we are talking about the game I can ramble all day.

I will say this though; at least now when someone initiates a conversation with me I can now respond in more than short mono syllabic words.  As opposed to letting the conversation die like I used to, I really try to keep it going, no matter how awkward or difficult I find it.  I am proud to say that I feel that I am no longer seen by strangers as a stuck up prick, just a bit of an odd fellow......Hell, I'll take that.

But, now that the field trip is history, I have to admit that I was pleasantly surprised; that I really had nothing to worry about.

For starters, I didn't have to ride the bus to the museum; I just met Tera and her class mates there after I got off work. That was awesome.  As I was standing inside the museum and watching everyone step out of the bus I was fairly certain that I saw a few parents already looking a little frazzled.  Perhaps all the noise produce by the short and hyperactive people on the bus ruptured a few adult ear drums.

The very moment the doors opened and let the little people in; the tranquility and peacefulness of the museum was unceremoniously destroyed with all the subtlety of a blunt object crashing down on an unsuspecting cranium.  Squeals and shrill laughter boomed and reverberated off of the walls.  A museum, I discovered, can take a small child's voice and amplify it to such point that you can almost feel the bones inside your body rattle with every giggle and yell........I began to wish it were legal to carry a flask of whiskey with me.

Then, materializing out of nowhere, Tera's teacher came up to me and said, "Your group is....."

My heart almost stopped when I heard those three words....Oh, Lord, what fresh new Hell has life brought me today?  It never occurred to me that when I volunteered to go on the field trip that I would actually be RESPONSIBLE for something.  What was I thinking?  I'm fairly certain that I broke out in a small sweat.

But then Tera's teacher said, "Your group is Tera and Sierra."

Oh.....That's it?  Okay, I can handle that.

Even better, Tera and her little friend were given a checklist of things to find in the museum.  I breathed a sigh of great relief when  I realized that I would not have to entertain anyone.  I just followed them around the museum and helped them look for things on their list --- and, turns out,  it was really fun!!!!

Of course, it helps when the adult is at about the same level of maturity as the kids he is supervising..  :)

Tera:  "It says on here that scat is another word for poop."

Sierra:  "Hooray!!!!  Let's look for poop!!!!"

Tera:  "We found the poop!!!"

Me:  "Touch the poop."

Tera and Sierra:  "No way, you touch the poop."

Me:  "Fine, I'll touch the poop."

Sierra: "Hey, how many different bears have we seen?"

Me:  "I don't know, a lot?"

Sierra: "Three?"

Me: "Oh yeah....I'm sure."

Sierra:  "Good enough, I marking them off."

When we broke for lunch I got to show off my peanut butter and Miracle Whip sandwich to the girls.....Of course, they concurred that it was "GROSS!!!"

I acquired a taste for this odd sandwich when I was just a little guy....My uncle was making them for work and when my dad said that it looked disgusting (an odd statement coming from the mayonnaise king himself) my uncle responded, "Actually, they are quite edible....Here, Tommy, try it."

I did, and the rest is history.  It's even better with a banana in it....But, I digress....

After lunch we went to the art museum where we were immediately given ground rules about not touching anything or leaning on walls, perhaps breathing....I'm not sure,  I kind of spaced out.

One parent just looked at his wife and said...."Maybe I'll just levitate."

But the reason for the speech became apparent once we exited the elevator and entered the fourth floor.  Almost immediately all the air was sucked out of the room and into the asses of some very, VERY concerned parents.

In the room were several statues and vases ---- all looking very delicate and vulnerable.

"This could be potentially expensive," I said to myself,

A security guard over heard me and snickered, and then began to follow us around the gallery.

"I don't think the school has the kind of insurance they need to cover this." a parent whispered.....and I wholeheartedly agreed with a quick, tight necked nod.  The aisles could have been ten foot wide and it still would not have been good enough for the parents supervising this bunch of high energy third graders.

But, as it would turn out, nudity came to the rescue.....None of the kids wanted to get close to the scantily clad statues.  They just stood there and pointed with one hand covering their mouths...."Look, that's disgusting."

"These artists sure like to make naked people.......I find that very odd." said a student as he diverted his eyes away from the naked statue.

Of course, you couldn't escape the nakedness without one giggling minion pointing and saying, "Butt."

The only real danger of breakage came right at the end of the tour.  There was one piece of art that the kids were allowed to touch.  Unfortunately, it was sitting right next to a work of art that the kids were most definitely not allowed to touch.

We tried to keep them in a single file line, but that's like trying to herd cats.  My hat goes off to teachers and day care providers.....I bet they have a fairly nice sized liquor cabinet at their respective houses.

It was crazy, I tried to stand next to the very breakable looking piece of art and shoo away any kid that got near it.  I would no sooner tell one kid to get back and another kid would immediately fill the void that I just created.  I did this over and over and, eventually, one kid shot through the gap and got within inches of the art piece.  He was getting ready to touch it when our tag-a-long security guard boomed in an authoritative voice.  "I need you to step away from that."

Yes, ma'am.

The day ended with the kids making their own kaleidoscopes.  While watching them a parent came up to me and started talking......It took awhile for the conversation to gain traction, but I'm proud to say that I think I did alright.

I guess now would be a good time to make a confession.  It's basketball season now and everyone wants to talk about the Jayhawks.  Part of the reason that I struggle with conversing with people, particularly in this area during this time of year is....I....um....don't watch basketball.

There!  I said it......Man, that felt good to get that off my chest.

Hmm....What do ya know....I didn't get struck by lightning for uttering such blasphemy, as a lot of rabid Jayhawk faithful would see it.

I just can't bring myself to admit to people that I don't participate in watching a sport that is loved and adored by so many in this area with such fanaticism that you would swear that all life and death hangs in the balance with every game the Jayhawks play.  If basketball had it's own pilgrimage to Mecca, that Mecca would be Lawrence, Kansas.

I'm just not prepared for the odd looks that I am sure to get when I admit to someone I couldn't give two shits about basketball.

But, anyway....I'm getting off track here.

All in all, I had a good time at the field trip and I think I can go on another one.........As long as I don't have to get on the bus.