Time has made my memory of the following event a little bit hazy but, in a way, I'm kind of thankful for that....I fear I may break out into a cold sweat or start shaking uncontrollably should the reliving of this tale should it be any more vivid than the way I am about to describe it.
I don't remember exactly how old I was when Uncle Dio told my little brother Tim and I that he had a Christmas present for us. I couldn't have been more than ten, I'm betting I was younger than that. In fact, I'm not sure Tim even remembers the incident...I will have to ask him about it later.
I remember sitting inside Grandma and Granddad's warm house on that cold and snowy Christmas. We had just finished eating a wonderful supper and I was actually about to fall asleep when I felt a tap on my shoulder.
"C'mon, boys" Uncle Dio said with a sweet smile, (or at least it seemed sweet at the time) "Get your coats on, I have a present for you.....Eh-hi, eh-hi...."
Ok....Let me back up a second and try to describe Uncle Dio's laugh. Think of "Eh-hi" as short and choppy. Eh is fairly self explanatory, but say "hi" with a short i.....In fact, say "hit" and then take off the t.
When Uncle Dio just laughs a little bit it's -- "Eh-hi, eh-hi, eh-hi"
When he really gets to laughing it's -- "Eh-hi, eh-hi-hi-hi-hi....."
Anyway, the very instant he started to laugh I should have known that something was up. The last time I remember him laughing like that he came up to me with a 12-volt battery.
"Here, put your tongue on this."
"Um, ok"
zzzzzzzap....
"Oh!!!!"
"Eh-hi, eh-hi-hi-hi-hi!!"
But I was no different than any other child my age. When a relative that you know and (somewhat) trust says "Christmas present" it doesn't matter if he is grinning like a madman, all the warning signals being furiously fired off by the security system in your brain are summarily ignored. In regards to Christmas, all fight or flight mechanisms are rendered inoperable inside the mind of a child.
I really should have known better. I loved Uncle Dio, and I knew that I could trust him ---- but only to a point.
We followed Uncle Dio outside and got into his pickup. I remember the truck sat high enough that I had to crawl up into the cab.
Uncle Dio fired up the truck; Tim sat in the middle and I sat passenger.
We slowly made our way out of Grandma and Granddad's snowy driveway, and I was still wondering where my Christmas present was as we lost sight of the house. That was when Uncle Dio romped on the gas.
I shot back in the seat and became acutely aware that I was in great danger. Whatever happy Christmas thoughts I had rolling around in my head evaporated under the deafening roar of the motor screaming under the hood of Uncle Dio's death mobile.
The snow blotted out any evidence that there was a road under us and I knew that snow on a road was slick ---- and slick is bad. I was about to ask Uncle Dio to slow down when he suddenly cranked the steering wheel. Out of sheer instinct my two little hands clamped onto the dash board; my finger nails dug in and were the only things that kept me from hitting the floor board.
You have to remember, this was back in the day when seat belts were a feature of the vehicle but never really used. I remember standing up in the seat in my dad's pickup as we puttered around town. My seat belt came in the form of dad's forearm being buried into my chest, knocking the wind out of me as he hit the breaks.....Good times.
We slide sideways around a corner and Uncle Dio laid into the accelerator. I had yet to regain my voice as I was just struggling to get upright in my seat.
Then Uncle Dio cranked hard on the wheel and the old beast of a pickup began to do one doughnut after another. The world spun madly out of control as I could see ditch, road, church....ditch, road, church....Over and over again, all of it a dizzying and sickening blur.
Every hair stood up on my head as I regained my voice and started to scream......"STOP!!!"
That was the wrong thing to say.
"Eh-hi, eh-hi-hi-hi...." Uncle Dio, wild eyed and grinning like the Cheshire cat, kept his foot on the gas, and the world continued to spin in a blurry fit of madness.
Making things worse, Tim turned out to be just like Uncle Dio --- certifiably insane.
Survival instinct was kicking in as I screamed like a little girl only to have my idiot little brother laugh and encourage Uncle Dio to deny my desperate requests.
"Oh, my God, Stop!!"
"NO, GO FASTER, WOOOO!!!"
SHUT UP, TIM!!!! PLEASE STOP!!!!!"
"FASTER UNCLE DIO, FASTER!!!"
"TIM, SANTA HATES YOU!!!!"
You say some strange things when you are under extreme duress. After it was all over I hid in a corner of mom and dad's house and had a private conversation with Santa (I knew he could hear me). I apologized for implying that the jolly old elf had any ill will towards anyone and begged that I not be put on next years naughty list.....Still, I thought if I indeed received a lump of coal for my indiscretion, but Tim ended up with a stocking full of reindeer poop, I would be very happy. He's such a creep.
The doughnuts ended, and none too soon. My stomach was in knots as Uncle Dio began to drive like a normal human being again. He was heading back in the direction of Grandma and Granddads house and I breathed a sigh of relief. We were going home......and I didn't wet myself (A big bonus). The balance had been restored.
I.....Was.....Wrong.....
Uncle Dio romped on the gas again and we went screaming down towards and past a snow covered bridge. Once past the bridge Uncle Dio cut a hard right and we went careening into some farmer's field.
My screaming, as well as Tim's and Uncle Dio's maniacal laughing, started up again.
The doughnut's were bad enough. Now we snaked back and forth along the rugged field and jumped terraces. I was certain that I was going to be ejected out of the truck through the roof....
Then, everything went black.....I don't remember leaving the field. I don't remember crossing the bridge, pulling into Grandma and Granddad's driveway.
I don't remember going into the house.....I don't remember going home or waking up the next morning.
I have heard that chronic or extreme stress can lead to memory loss......In this case, I'm ok with not remembering.
But I did remember that next year, if Uncle Dio said he had a Christmas present for me, I would pass that present on to one of my cousins....
Never.....Ever....Again.
"EH-HI....EH-HI-HI-HI-HI!!!!"
No comments:
Post a Comment