For most of the year, I am very conscience about my health. I'm no expert, but I honestly believe that the mind and the body are one; and that if you take care of one, the other will follow. I exercise, attempt to eat right, and really attempt to be a good example for my children.
But the period between Thanksgiving and New Years Day is the time of year when all thoughts of exercise and eating right hit the back burner....
Ok, who am I kidding? It's not even on the stove.
I be eatin', I be drinkin', and I be merry...And, oh boy, am I merry!!!
I'm no different than anyone else when it comes to the holidays. If I were to ask everyone I meet to make a list of their fondest holiday memories; I'm willing to bet that food makes well over ninety percent of those lists.
I certainly know that food is at the top of my holiday list, and during this festive time of year I don't even bother holding back. I eat tons of crap that I wouldn't normally consider the rest of the year. Pumpkin pie, for example, gets eaten on Thanksgiving day and that's it. I never eat another piece of pie the rest of the year. But for that one day I eat it as if I were told that the world has run out and that I will never see another pumpkin pie for the remainder of my life.
Hell, I'm not even all that wild about pumpkin pie. I have to bury a small piece of if under about a half a container of Cool Whip before I deem it edible. But, it's tradition dammit; I gotta eat it....Om nom nom nom.....
And I normally don't eat a whole lot of cheese, but my brother-in-law has a gift for smoking the stuff.
And....It....Is....Freaking.... Awesome!!!! Add that to the sausage log and crackers that I only eat during the holidays and I can't stay out of the kitchen. Just throw it in a trough, Dave, this ol' boy is gonna do some piggin'!!! Oink.
Water? What in the Hell is that? Pass me a beer!!!
It really is a small wonder that I don't end up in the hospital with concrete block sitting in my lower intestine. Upon removal the whole room would smell of pepper jack.
And, of course, many boxes of chocolate are consumed. I'm sure my teeth, along with the rest of my body, absolutely hate me right now.
It's crazy to think that I can be so super disciplined through out the calendar year just to go stark raving, ape shit, nuts the last six weeks. In a way, it's kind of disappointing.
It would be kind of like running nine/tenths of a marathon (not that I would, you marathoners are nuts) and then saying, "Shit on it, I'm calling a cab." when I can clearly see the finish line off in the distance.
I mean, really, why do I do this every year?
Perhaps it's to give me a greater appreciation of what it means to be healthy? (Snort) Yeah, that's it.
I simply can't describe how miserable I feel by New Years Day. In fact, you should have seen me trying to put on a pair of pants a couple of days ago.
It went something like this: Jump -- Suck in gut --- Pull up hard -- attempt to button pants.
Add some grunts and squawks into the equation and I feel as if I looked like some pot bellied, flightless dodo in the midst of some bizarre mating ritual dance.
Buh-GAWK!!!
Eventually I just said shit on it and got another pair of pants to wear. I don't know why, but I can always get my carpenter pants on.....The regulars, however, will just have to wait until February.
And tying my shoes? Man, when I bend down it feels as if a I have a small medicine ball in my stomach. One should never grunt while tying his shoes.
And I do this every year......
Don't get me wrong. I don't eat 24/7 and it's not like I transform into a sumo wrestler --- I just feel like I do. During the spring and summer months I stay really busy and don't eat that much; and what I do eat is fairly light. But in the winter time, especially during the holidays, it seems like food is everywhere. And it's heavy and salty food on top of that.
And the pants I attempt to put on are either a 32 or 33 inch waist -- not possible shortly after the holidays, but more than manageable by spring.
I just worry that a day will come when I won't be able to work off the weight that I put on over the holidays. I'm going to be forty three in May and, up to this point, I have been blessed with a very good metabolism. It takes me six weeks to reach the point of misery, and it takes me about six weeks to get back in shape. But, like all things, I'm sure there will be a time when that will come to a screeching halt. I mean, after all, just how many times can you stretch and snap a rubber band before it starts to lose it's elasticity?
And when it does.....My gluttonous annual holiday binging will have to come to an end. I just pray that I'm disciplined enough to control myself when that time comes.
Oh well,.....time to get back in shape.
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