Mutts....

Hair, hair everywhere  --- and not a freaking place to sit.

Arrgh!!!  Cleaning up after pets has got to be, hands down, the most trying pain in ass in regards to my household duties.

I love my dogs, despite how much I complain about them.  But it's a never ending battle when it comes to picking up after them.  They are much worse than the kids; at least with Toby and Tera I can get on them and keep them in line.

But with super pooch one and two; every day their little canine brains hit the reset button.

Let's start with Wrigley.

First off, yes, I am a Cubs fan and Wrigley is named after that beautiful stadium that resides on the north side of Chicago.

Wrigley is a an older beagle who has earned two nicknames.

Nickname number one:  SHEDZILLA

I can't figure it out; how is it that long haired dogs, like my other mutt Mario, don't shed, yet short haired dogs like Wrigley can leave a thick trail of hair everywhere they go?  It seems backwards, doesn't it?  Shouldn't it be the long haired dogs shedding their fur?

Anyway, I've come to accept the fact that I am going to have to sweep the floor constantly because, if I don't, the lint trap in the dryer will be plastered in a thick wall of fur every time I wash socks.  Blech.

What aggravates me is when Wrigley jumps on the couch and disperses copious amounts of his filaments upon what is supposed to be a place for me to plop down and relax with a cup of coffee and some good music.  GRRRR.

It has been a battle of wills between Shedzilla and myself.  I can pull the couch cover, run it through the washer and dryer, place it back on the couch and within minutes, Stupid is rendering the couch unsuitable for the placement of human ass.

Well, unless you take extreme measures......I actually thought about placing a coaster by each chair with a lint roller on it......Or just handing them out at the door when company arrives -- "Here, you'll need this because my dog is stubborn and won't listen."

You know that adage, "you can't teach and old dog new tricks"?  Sooooo, true.  Wrigley is very set in his ways.  I spent all day chasing him away from the couch, and he just keeps trying to come back.  Of course, as soon as I step out for my run, he's all over it.

I will get him trained......Damn it.....

Nickname number two:  ASS ITCH

For this family, fall is the worst time of year for allergies; and Wrigley is no exception.

The first time I saw him scraping his butt on the patio I feared he may have worms.  But a trip to the Vet cleared that up.  "Nope," said the Doc, "He has allergies....Give him some Benadryl"

And the Benadryl works ---- as long as I don't forget to give it to him.  When I do forget that poor throw rug at the front door becomes the victim of Wrigley's butt scraping boogie. After the dance is over I take soiled rug out for a wash.

I cuss at myself for forgetting and then get Wrigley his medicine. After that I try to keep him from itching, but it's a losing battle --- there's just no stopping the boogie.  I know, I've tried; all you can do is let it run it's course.

First he starts by dragging his belly across the rug, then he does this twerking thing (I'm apologize profusely for using the word twerk, but that is honestly what it looks like).  After the twerk he sits on his butt and just goes around in circles.  And finally he lays on his back and thrashes about.  Add to that, he makes a lot of really annoying noises as he scratches.  It's enough to drive you crazy.

I thought about making a YouTube video out of the whole rotten mess but decided against it.  He really does suffer and there just isn't much humor in that.


Ok, so now that you know about Wrigley, on to the next dog.

Mario is a Shih Tzu who also has two nicknames to describe what I consider to be some peculiar habits.

Nickname number one:  ROCK HOUND

As long as I have had Mario, he has always had the habit of picking up rocks when he is outside and then bringing them in to chew on them.

Once again, we made a trip to the vet fearing something was wrong and, once again, the vet gave our mutt a clean bill of health.

I find this particular habit really strange, but, I've never tried to chew on a rock before.  Maybe the art of rock eating is a lot like wine drinking in that you just have to know what you're looking for.  I can just see Mario in the middle of the street with a small rock in his mouth, judging it.  "Hmm....Dust, with a strong rubber tire flavor....And I think I may detect a slight hint of motor oil.....Kind of a dry rock, but not bad."

Whatever it is that Mario is doing, the soles of my feet are paying dearly for it.  At least once or twice a week my foot lands on some small, pointy relic that the Rock Hound discovered on his latest archeological dig.  It's like when I used to step on that stray Lego that Toby left on the floor when he was little, but worse.

As stated earlier, old habits die hard.  Chew away brother, I will not deny you such joy.

Nickname number two:  SNOT MONSTER

The fall is prime Kleenex hunting season for Mario.  What I have discovered is that if you blow your nose you must put it in a trash receptacle that Mario can't get access too.  Otherwise, you will find used Kleenex shredded and scattered all over the house.

Disgusting.  Yet another reason not to let a dog lick my face.  Have you seen these people that let their pooches give them "kisses"?  Maybe I'm not a true dog lover.....The thought makes me ill.

Mario prefers to hunt at night......Apparently it's easier to sneak up on an unsuspecting snot rag in the dark.  Who knew you needed ninja skills to hunt snotty Kleenex?

The end result, assuming we had forgotten to put up the trash, is the next morning is almost like Christmas when you were a kid.  You're surprised by all the presents strewn about the house ---- accept that you don't really want these presents.

If I'm ever the first one out of bed and I stumble across a Mucous by Mario work of art, I turn right around and get back into bed hoping someone else will discover and pay the finder's fee.  Even with rubber gloves the thought of picking up shredded Kleenex makes my stomach turn.  EEEWWWW.


Yes, despite their strange idiosyncrasies, I still love my dogs.....And, yes, because of the kids I am quite certain we will always have a dog in the house.

But they really are disgusting sometimes.